Life changes

I’ve had a very interesting last two weeks with regards to my spirituality. Angel and I keep on making one break through after another. I finally understand why I feel the way I do about myself and why I react and respond in a certain way towards certain situations. It is a very liberating experience, but it is by no means an easy path. People always assume that when you start working on yourself from a spiritual point of view the realisations and break throughs will be so easy. I personally think the break throughs are the more difficult parts of this process.

Facing your demons, your heart, your past and accepting what was done to you is not easy. The biggest lesson is to truly accept yourself for all that you are. This is easier said than done…trust me. But even though it is hard it is one of the most amasing experiences. Oddly enough I’ve seen a massive shift in my little 2-year old nephew this past Saturday. I’m very close with my niece and nephews but, Declin (2-year old) and I have never had that close loving relationship that I have with the others. Whenever I visit, he would refuse to get hugs or kisses from me. He would start crying every time I pick him up and it would take him literally hours before he would warm up to me and allow me anywhere near him. It made me feel horrible but I still love him and I still try every single time I see them.

This past Saturday was another family day, and as usual I was hoping to get some love from Declin, even if it was just a little bit. But he surprised me. He hugged me, kissed me, even fell asleep in my arms when nobody else could comfort him. He was so extremely affectionate and showed me so much love on Saturday. It was amasing. I believe he’s noticed/felt the shift in my spiritual space and is responding very positively towards it.

I know that I’m different. For the last 6 months I’ve felt this need to get married again, and have a family, have children. I’ve never really had this before in my life. I was happy to do the independent girl thing, until earlier this year. I even started thinking about being willing to sacrifice my career a little bit if it means I can have a family. This is a place I’ve never thought I would be…not being successful, not focusing on work is not something I’m used to. But here I am, thinking very differently about my life and what I want from it.

I only have one problem still, I struggle to show people that I care about them. There is a guy I really like and a couple of months ago he was very straight forward about his feelings, and all I did was shut down. I made a mistake and then in a very random way I saw him again on Friday night. I fear I pushed him away again…when in truth I don’t want to push him away. It’s like trying to break a bad habit and not knowing how to break it. If he is the right person for me, I hope life will give me another chance and that I will recognise that opportunity if it is presented to me.

I’m tired of hiding behind my walls…I want to show the world who I really am…and not fear pain and rejection again.

Friendships lost...

I had a guy friend, a very good guy friend and we were extremely close. We've been friends for the last 5 years and we helped each other go through our various ups and downs. Supported each other, laughed with each, cried with each other. Yes there was a point during that friendship that I felt something for him. But it was for a brief moment and then those feelings vanished. He became like a brother to me and I could never again imagine myself having any form of romantic feelings towards him.

He went through a horrible last 2 years and he got hurt extremely badly by his then girlfriend. I supported, I laughed, I cried, I was there in everyway I possible could be as a friend. The beginning of the year he confessed his feelings towards me and I was extremely shocked and surprised by this confession. He is like a brother and he just broke up with his gf and he was going through this really tough time. The last thing he should be doing was have feelings for me. I guess I should have acted differently towards him when he told me, but instead I did the worst thing possible.

I closed up and I shut him out. I didn't feel that way about him and I never will. But instead of talking to him about it I just shut him out. I know I did wrong and I know I need to fix this. But I don't know how to. He has been through so much hurt and I don't want to keep on hurting him either. Today I received an email from him and it just broke my heart.

I read this part of his letter, and my heart just broke all over again for him...

"I have over the years grown closer to you that I did with most of my closest friends ever…..I shared thoughts and things with you that I never shared with anyone else……I did this because I felt and knew deep down inside…..I could trust you…..trust you for keeping it close to you and trust you for being direct and honest with me when no one else could……

 

I think above all I valued that part the most……

 

…….but I came to realise that THAT is in the past…..its something that was…..something that was unique in so many ways that I was absolutely privileged to have experienced it during my life time and I am grateful for that…….I am."

 

I owe him an explanation, and this weekend I need to force myself to sit down and write a response. I need to explain to him everything that I feel with regards to this situation. As much as I miss him, my friend, I don't know if we could ever be that again. I will always wonder if he still has feelings for me and he will always wonder if my feelings towards him will change...a recipe for disaster unfortunately :(

 

 

Such a bitter pill to swallow...

Today I sit here and I’m fighting back the tears as I write this. I’m at work and I need to keep my composure but it’s not easy. I’m so unbelievably disappointed in two of my friends.  We work together and the 3 of us have become such close friends over the last 3 to 4 years. I love them both so dearly and I trusted them with everything.

They didn’t harm me or acted out towards me. But their actions a couple of days ago shocked me. I never expected this type of behaviour from either one of them and I feel that the way they acted might be seen as a mistake to a certain point yes. But they continued after that point and then it is no longer a mistake but a characteristic they have. This type of characteristic is something I do not condone and do not accept in friends.

Everyone thinks I’m such a hard ass…but I’m not. I’m a huge bloody marshmallow on the inside, I just hide it well. I feel so hurt and disappointed in them both and their actions. I know they didn’t do this to me, but they are not the people I thought they were. I feel heartbroken because I feel like I lost two friends, friends I dearly loved.

I will pull away slowly from them because I just can’t trust them anymore…I feel so unbelievably sad today.

Spiritual being, living a human life

I am a very spiritual being. Something only my family and close friends know. I believe that everything is connected, and that this connection is via energy. I believe in Karma. I believe in God and angels and spirits but not in the same way Christianity teaches us. I respect other religions and believe that one should not destroy other people’s believes. We are all free to believe in what makes us feel happy and comfortable.

I do a lot of soul searching during the day as I go about my business. I always try and better myself and be a better person towards others. Granted that isn’t always easy but I try because I believe what you put out into this world is what the world will give back. Sometimes I’ll look at something negative that happened to me and I’ll wonder what on earth I did to create this bad energy towards me, but then I realise that my soul chose this path and all the lessons I learn during this lifetime are lessons I chose to learn before I came down to earth.

 

I started seeing a psychologist in 2009. She is my Angel, and I’m very lucky that she turned out to be a very spiritual being herself. I always laugh at people who think spiritual people walk around in tie-dye clothing and act a certain way. That is such a misconstrued perception people have. I look at Angel, and she is just as corporate as I am. And like me she keeps her spiritual side not hidden, but not visible for the whole world to see. I believe your spiritual believes are personal and that your actions should show people who you are and not the words coming out of your mouth.  You don’t need to run around telling the whole world what your believes are, rather show them with how you treat others and deal with situations.

 

At first I didn’t know about Angel’s spiritual side but as our sessions progressed and I felt more comfortable with her I was able to open up about every single aspect of my life, and shared my believes with her. It was during this period (I think it was July 2010) that she told me about her believes and I’ve learnt a lot from her.

I now see her on a monthly basis. We had another session this morning and it always amases me how our sessions end up giving me more than I expected. I made a huge breakthrough today with regards to my past and how I handle certain situations. But to be able to discuss those realisations and the effect it had on me and will have on me going forward from a spiritual point of view as well and not just an emotional and mental view, is such a liberating feeling. We actually felt and energy shift in her office as we worked through this. By now I’m used to experiencing these things with her, but today’s energy shift was huge.

 

It’s difficult to explain this to people who haven’t been there. I actually felt dizzy sitting in the chair and when I got back to work I went and bought a chocolate. (Sugar helps ground you from an energy point of view). I was feeling extremely “distant” from my body and knew I had a huge day at the office ahead and had to be able to focus in this space and time.

 

I find it hard sometimes to balance between wanting to connect with the universal energy and having to stay grounded in this space to physically get through my day. For people who are not used to this or aware of these things, this will all sound very weird, and I make a point of not discussing these things with people every day.

 But I am able to feel and sense energy. I’m able to feel and sense other people’s emotions. I’ve had a lot of interesting experiences on a spiritual level, but I don’t like sharing it randomly. For me it’s private.

 

I just loved the fact that I could actually feel and sense the energy shift in my own personal space today. I know this will have big ramifications going forward (in a positive way), but today for me was big. I can’t wait to get home, put on my music and “meditate” within my own little space tonight and just absorb all that happened and everything I was able to resolve within myself today.

Songs, scarfs and grey skies

Eyes on Fire by Blue Foundation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24ICmB1Mka8
 

Whenever I hear this song I think of Mr  JT. (JT = Justin Timberlake). He looks exactly like JT with the only difference being that he is taller and a lot more muscular.

This song is from the Twilight (1^st movie) soundtrack and I still remember the night (January 2009) the two of us went to see the movie. I wanted to see the movie and he didn’t seem to be phased by what I chose. For some reason, that night is etched into my memory for eternity. I remember waiting for him in front of the cinema. We met directly after work and it was a Friday, so I was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, and I was wearing what was later to become “our scarf”.  The scarf is a completely different story…LOL!

I go through these weird little phases where I “fall in love” with a certain type of candy for weeks on end. During that period I was into lollipops. I remember waiting for him (while eating the lollipop ;) ) I remember turning around, and as I did I saw him standing a couple of meters away from me, just standing there staring at me with this beautiful smile on his face. His smiles had this way of making my whole being just melt into oblivion of happiness.

He walked up to me, gave me a kiss and a hug and said: “You look so cute and coy today”.  I remember when we went to sit down in the cinema, waiting for the movie to start. I kicked my shoes off, curled my feet in under me, put my right hand on his back (he was seated to my right), tucked myself in behind his left shoulder, and I then put my left hand up his left arm’s sleeve (he was wearing a t-shirt). I always do this when I’m relaxed and comfortable around a guy. He put his left hand on my legs and pulled me closer, or as close as the seats would allow us.

Afterwards he told me that he was surprised when I put my hand up his sleeve, as he’s never had a girl do that with him before. I apologised, cause it's an instinctive thing I do. He laughed and said: “Don’t apologise, I loved it” and then he kissed me….

It wasn’t a huge date night, it wasn’t a huge romantic evening but for some reason that night is one of my most vivid memories I share with him. We had many memories, but this is one of the more beautiful ones that got stuck in my mind, and this song always takes me back to that night.

Today I had my music on random selection while working and this song popped up…

I miss him. He was the second man to break my heart. The first man to break my heart was my ex-husband. Then came Mr JT, and the third man to break my heart…well. I don’t want to talk about him.

All I can say is that amongst all the heartache in my life, I’ve experienced and shared some magical and powerful memories in love.

Sadly a couple of months after that night I remember another night with him. We were at a party at a friend’s house, and he was dating someone else. She didn’t come with to the party, still don’t know why. Anyway, later that night he pulled me into the bathroom, pushed me up against the wall and we started fighting. He fought with me cause he didn’t realise I had feelings for him and I fought with him cause I couldn’t understand how he couldn’t know that I had feelings for him. He kissed me with such hunger and passion that night, and then he would push me away and tell me how we can’t do this cause he is with someone else now. Then he started telling me about how he didn’t want to give me “the scarf” back. I left it at his house and I literally had to fight for weeks to get it back.

He told me that night  in the bathroom through all the kissing and fighting how he would sniff my scarf cause my perfume, my smell was all over it.  For him it was the only thing/reminder he had of me. The "bathroom night" was in June 2009. We went back and forth for a long time, but I finally made the decision for us both in April 2011. I ended everything and deleted him from my life. It was one of the hardest things I had to do, but it was better for the both of us. We didn’t belong together.

I still remember the Halloween party we attended in 2010…what a night. He ended up cracking my one rib. LOL!!! It was one of those nights that neither one of us will ever forget…but it was also the last night that we were together physically.  I went to Mozambique for a holiday that December and I came back a different person. I remember coming back from Moz in January on the Wednesday night, and the Friday night he came to fetch me for drinks with friends. He was so excited to see me that he rushed past my cousin, scooped me up and hugged and kissed me hello. He was so excited to see me…but I already knew that night that things were different and nothing will ever be what it was before…we were done…not because we didn't care about each other but because he will never be able to accept me for who I am. I will never be the perfect little princess he wanted me to be. I am a dark soul and it is a struggle for me to be this shiny, friendly bubbly person. Yes I can be those things at certain times, but not all the time. Not the way he wanted it. I knew that night that he would never be able to love me for all that I am, and that was one of the biggest reasons we bounced back in forth for such a long time. 

Sigh…I still have the scarf. It’s in my cupboard but I don’t wear it anymore. It still hurts sometimes seeing that scarf, thinking of him, and remembering all that was there, knowing what will never be again.

 

Today’s gloomy weather, hearing that song again and remembering all of this definitely puts a bit of a damper on my mood. A girl can’t be happy and smiling 24/7. It’s okay to reminisce and feel sad about lost loves...

 

Attack of the crawlies... (part 1)

I'm a very independent and self-sufficient girl. BUT there is one thing that can leave me whimpering in the corner like a little girl...crawlies (insects for those not familiar with the term).


This past weekend saw me having to face a crawly, and it turned into quite the experience. Okay, so maybe it wasn't all that bad, but for me it felt like a massive thing. Saturday night, while watching TV (this was around 11:30pm) I see this massive cricket (at this point I didn't know what I was dealing with) jump onto one of my cubes in the lounge.

Within a space of 3 seconds, I got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, my skin felt like it was crawling all over, I ran to the kitchen (have an open plan) screaming like a little girl and jumped onto the kitchen counter. My heart was still racing as I realised I was still screaming. My poor neighbours must have thought that I was busy with some very weird little sex game that time of night...and I did notice the one neighbour (old guy) giving me the evil eye yesterday when I bumped into him outside my place. I just smiled, waved and pretended to be miss little innocent, because what else are you supposed to do. There is no explaining away something like that..

After what seemed HOURS on my kitchen counter I decided that it's too late to phone one of my brother-in-laws to come and save me. The possibility that they would get very upset with me for waking them up that time of the night to come and kill a bug at my place, and keeping in mind they are both about half an hour's drive away from me, was big. I know they love me, but I don't see the love running that deep...

I'm not a very domestic type of girl. I don't really clean my own place or do my own laundry or anything along those lines. I have a maid and I drop my clothes off at a laundry to get washed and ironed. So I have no idea what chemicals I have in the house, needles to say if there would be any "bug spray" to annihilate my late night intruder with. *I still get shivers down my spine just thinking about that thing.....eeeuuuuuuuwwwww*

I decided that staying on my kitchen counter the whole night would be a bit uncomfortable and calling in back-up was a bit unlikely. I would have to put on my big girl panties and just deal with it. *Why does it have to be big girl panties? Why can't it be sexy, black lingerie....that is so much more empowering than big girl panties...I digress*

I then remembered an incident a couple of years ago where my sister took some Tupperware and very quickly placed it over a spider. That way not killing it, but catching it. Brilliant, I had a plan. However at the time I wasn't thinking this thing ahead. In order to place, or in my case throw the Tupperware and hope it stays, over the crawly I would actually have to get into touching distance of it. Did I mention that this thing jumps????

Bravely dressed in my nighties, with Tupperware in one hand and expensive Nine West Stiletto in the other, I sneaked around the couch towards the scene of the crime. It was with shock and horror that I came face to face with my nemesis and realised this thing is bigger than I remembered. *I'm actually getting goosebumps while typing this...still so grossed out*. It was staring at me, and I swear that thing had this statistical little grin on it's face, thinking "This is going to be a walk in the park".

I silently shed a little tear for my stiletto (in case things turned violent and I had to start smacking away with my shoe) and aimed the Tupperware at IT. I threw the Tupperware and unfortunately, as one would expect the thing jumped (I think IT trained with Spiderman in a previous life, that thing could move!!) onto the curtain and my Tupperware was on the other side of the cube.

With heart racing and realising my game plan is now known to IT, I had to move fast. Still crying and softly whimpering out of pure disgust I grabbed the Tupperware and smashed it over IT on the curtain. IT was now firmly caught between my Tupperware and the curtain pressed against the sliding door....


AND this is where I need to end part 1 because I need to run and will finish the rest of the story tomorrow ;)

Things are calming down..

I'm feeing very tired as I sit here typing away.

Working hard, but happy to say we will be able to sign off phase 1 of the year-end tomorrow afternoon. There is still a phase 2 & 3 but at least we're getting there. As my boss always say: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time"

I'm finding that my initial level of frustration with everyone and everything around me has started to subside, which feels really good. I also think that I was just going through a very stressful time the last couple of months and now things are starting to slowly resolve itself.

There is beauty in soul silence and I find myself searching for those sacred moments when I am not surrounded by any other living things. That moment when I can close my eyes, allow my body to relax and, soaked in silence, discover my own heart beat. It is such a peaceful thing for me...and then I allow my mind to run free.

I allow myself to dream. I dream of travelling, all over the world. I dream of finding true love and getting married. I dream of having children. I even dream of just being able to love again. I miss being loved, but I think I miss loving someone in return in even more so. I love to love. I love to take care of someone else.

This is something very few people know about me. But I actually just love, loving someone else. I enjoy making someone else happy.

I enjoy leaving little love notes in their jackets or on their car seats...or just sending sexy little random messages during the day because in that random moment I was thinking of that person :)

I think it is time for my to stop being such a hard arse, and start showing my softer side. Stop showing the world that I'm made of rock and actually admit that I'm not always 100% in control.

I think most people would laugh if they realise how little in control I really am, I just hide it well ;)

I'm starting to ramble again and I'm losing the idea behind the blog post. LOL!!!!

Ok, I think it's home time...

Frustrations...

I love my friends and family, I really do. But sometimes I just feel like throwing shit at them.

Yes, I'm feeling very frustrated right now.

For the month of October, every single year (this is not the first year) I have a financial year-end at work.  For this whole month, I work myself to death. I have very tight deadlines and I literally have no time to do anything else but work. Right now it's 12:18pm on Saturday and I've been in the office since 9am. Don't know what time I'm finishing tonight, and this will be the some for tomorrow.

I always warn my friends and family that I'm really busy during this period and I honestly don't have time to socialise or anything remotely close to that. This is not a joke and I'm not exaggerating. There is nothing I can do before hand to try and make this easier on myself. I only get information from the regions on the Monday morning (so I'm dependant on other people doing their jobs correctly) and then the following Monday I need to provide the final tax numbers for a certain region to the auditors. There is no other way of trying to make this easier, and this is only phase 1. It gets worse...

Anyway, the last 3 days my friends (and this morning my family) have seriously pushed my patience and buttons with demanding my attention. It feels as if they don't listen to me when I say I'm not available, I'm busy working and I can't spend time with you. I don't have 30 minutes to sit and chat with you about your current issues. I'm busy.

Yet, they just keep on. Fuck it pisses me off when they do this. I love them, but seriously just leave me alone for the next 2 or 3 weeks so that I can get my work done. So basically with all the love in the world, I feel like saying: "Please, fuck off".

I know, it sounds very rude and I'm being bitchy but I just wish for once they would actually listen and take my needs into consideration instead of only focusing on theirs. Just this once, I would like for them to leave me alone.

Sigh....so annoyed right now.

Music

I love music almost just as much as I love writing. My soul vibrates and exists on a very different level whenever I hear good music. Or good music as per my own definition. I don’t know how to explain it, but it almost feels as if my heart slowly starts growing inside of my chest until my ribcage can’t hold it anymore and it burst open, releasing all that I am into the air around me. In that space my soul is truly exposed to all that is around me, especially to the music and the lyrics.

 

I feel the music, I can taste the words and my skin feels every emotion…

I get lost in music…

I come alive with music…

Music is my soul voice and through it I feel, live, love and express emotions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFtaSNiGWuc

 

This song is such a beautiful song, and my mind gets lost in so many memories...

 

I love music :)

 

 

No words...

Today or rather the last couple of days I find myself unable to express myself. I don't know what I feel. I feel lost inside my own head right now. I'm able to function and do what I need to do every day. I do what's expected of me. But everything feels distant...as if I'm trapped inside my own body staring at the world through tinted windows.

I can see the world, I can feel the world, but I'm not living within that world right now.

My soul is struggling in this space right now, it feels trapped.

I see exes moving on...getting engaged or getting ready to pop the question; moving in with the new girlfriend...

It makes me feel lost. I'm happy that they found happiness, but my own inability to move forward is slowly killing my soul. My inability to love without reserve or fear of pain is busy killing me. My heart aches for true love, but my mind has trapped my heart in this cage of fear. A cage built on the believe that I'm unlovable. That the monster I am inside can never truly be loved. All that I am is wrong deep down, inside.

I've seen too much, lived through too much. All that I've gone through makes me feel burdened with darkness...and within this darkness I am not lovable.

How do I allow someone to love me for me?

I fear all that I am will end up destroying my future and as much as I want to stop that from happening, do I really want to stop it? Or is there comfort in the known darkness, regardless of the price...

How do you hide from all that you are?

I'm not making sense today dear blog, it's one of those days. I'm just lost in my own mind right now. I have this often and I always get out of it eventually...but for now I will stay lost just a little bit longer. Because here, in this uncomfortable darkness I feel like me...

Tomorrow I will stare at the sun again and appreciate the glow and beauty of life, but for tonight I will dwell in the darkest corners of my mind...

People always talk about finding balance in life, they refer to ying and yang. But they always focus on the good stuff, they forget that in order to achieve true balance you need to allow your darkness to exist as well...

Life and all that other crap....

Life is by no means a breeze in the park. But it is still a beautiful and wonderful experience. Granted some things can be painful, destructive and just down right scary.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching the last year. A lot!!

I've been revaluating my decisions, my beliefs, my habits....just about everything. Actually no I lie, I do this all the time. I'm constantly doing this in my life...it's just who I am I guess.

Anyway...I digress.

The other night I was home, and a few things happened during the day that set me on this path of thought analysis as I got home. I started to look at my life and I realised I have a really good life.

My mom and I had a huge conversation about two weeks ago and for the first time in my life my mom was receptive to what I had to say. She actually listened to me and what was more amasing is that she actually took my advice. This is huge. My whole life I've always felt that I had to fight for my mother's attention. I always felt like the odd one out in our family (still feel like this). I have an older sister and a younger sister and my dad died when I was 12. So it's always just been us girls. But I always feel like an outsider, looking in with my family. I love my mom and sisters and they love me, but there have always been "something" that separated me from them. I still can't define it and I doubt this will ever change. But I've come to accept this and for the first time, a couple of weeks ago, my mother actually allowed me to express myself without rejecting me or what I had to say. She actually listened. I feel really good about this and I can even see the difference in my mother since then.

Work is going really well, dealing with some "office politics" at the moment but not stressed about that. The people involved are underestimating my abilities and my connections within the organisation. Therefore I'm not too stressed and I don't really need to do anything to resolve the situation. It will resolve itself in time.

The only thing I do miss in my life right now is a partner. Granted I have this horrible ability to push guys away when I feel they get too close, I do want to be happy with someone. I want to come home to someone at night. I want someone I can share my dreams and fears with. Someone to have silly, crazy, fun moments with. But also someone who I can sit and have deep intense discussions with. I miss that intellectual stimulation. Not that the guys I meet aren't intellectual people...they just don't show that side. They spend too much time trying to impress me with the amount of money they have or trying so hard to get me into bed that they forget that I need intellectual stimulation before I will go down that road with someone.

A friend asked me the other day what my dream date is...she went on about this expensive dinner blah, blah, blah. Which for her is great, but that's not me. My dream date would be to go and sit on top of a hill or wherever you get to see a beautiful sunset (or sunrise). Sit with a bottle of wine, enjoy the beauty of nature around you and talk the whole night until the sun comes up. Talk about serious things, laugh and joke and discuss random silly things. This is what I want...not money or importance or a guy constantly trying to put the moves on me. Someone who actually knows how to communicate with me...

One day I will find this ;) I just hope that one day is a lot closer than it feels right now.

Too hard

Just under a year ago I made a new female friend. She is fun, crazy but honest and true. She will not sugar coat anything and she will tell me if I’m wrong, one of the many reasons why I love her. Over the last year we have become very close and dare I say I see her as one of my best friends.

A week ago the two of us were out having drinks, and while we were out I was having a phone text chat with this guy I really like. At a certain point during the chat I got irritated and just ended the chat right there and then.  My friend looked at me and said: “Ali, you are very hard when it comes to guys”. (Ali is her nickname for me).

This comment has haunted me ever since then. I never thought of myself as being hard, I always thought I allowed guys too much. Over the years I’ve had my heart broken a few times and I’ve had guys treat me really shitty. That unfortunately is the reality. After a very bad experience with a guy a year ago I decided that I need to stop allowing men to treat me like this. I’m an average looking girl with a nice personality and I’m independent and capable of taking care of myself. I do not need to have a guy make me feel that I’m not good enough.

I then adopted this attitude that if a guy likes me and wants to be with me, he will show me that. He will show me that he wants to spend his time with me and will go out of his way to see me. Not make me feel that he only sees me when he doesn’t have anything better to do and make me feel that I’m not a priority in his life. If he wants to be with me he will, if I have to start fighting for his attention, then he is clearly not into me and then I move on.

I move on…it is that simple.

But now I’m starting to think that maybe she is right, maybe I shut down too quickly and cut guys off too quickly. But where the hell is the balance? Sigh…so now my mind is running around and analysing prior situations with guys and trying to figure out if I did the wrong thing by walking away when I did?

I don’t know…maybe I am too hard sometimes. It’s just really difficult for me to just trust someone with my feelings. I’m very guarded when it comes to my heart, not because I don’t feel anything. Trust me I have all those feelings, I just don’t voice it easily. I’ve had too many people in my life mess with my emotions/heart.

I wish I could sometimes shut my brain off….and just put everything away and look at life with a smile on my face and not feel all the stuff I feel.

Sunrise Earth

I discovered the most amasing program on TV this past Saturday.  It was early in the morning and as usual, I haven’t had much sleep the night before. The wonderful world of insomnia ;)

I was flicking through the channels when I came upon a program called “Sunrise Earth” on DiscoveryHD. The program consists of hour-long episodes and in each episode, they’ve filmed a sunrise somewhere on earth. For the whole hour, all you see are these beautiful views of a sunrise and the sound of nature as they film this. There is no narration to it, it is just pure nature at its best.

I have to admit, I fell in love with this program. It’s on my PVR list and I now record the various episodes every single morning.  I “watched” the episode on Saturday and actually ended up doing this for 2 hours (the joys of replay). It was the most calming feeling that washed over me. It felt as if I was actually meditating during that time. It had such a calming effect on me. I loved it!

My mind never shuts down. I’m always thinking of 5 million things at the same time. Planning, analysing, processing…a never ending cycle of thoughts, and partly the reason why I suffer from insomnia. My mind does not shut down.

But on Saturday, this program had the most calming effect on me and for 2 hours it actually felt as if my mind was slowing down and my thought processes felt a lot more “focussed”. It made me realise I need to get out and spend time in nature a lot more. I need to go and find some time every week and just connect with nature and shut everything and everyone else out of my life.

I can’t wait to get home tonight and see where this morning’s sunrise episode was filmed. Silly I know, but it’s the small things in life that makes me happy.

Words

“I see at intervals the glance of a curious sort of bird through the close-set bars of a cage: a vivid, restless, resolute captive is there; were it but free, it would soar cloud-high.”

 

Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte

 

 

Such beauty and truth exists in words...

Change, truth and the darkness within

Some days you just have to stop, take a deep breath, and look back. Look back and see how far you have come. See and appreciate all the obstacles you have overcome to be able to stand where you stand right now. Focusing on the end goal, fighting for your dream is all good and well but sometimes it is also healthy to look back and see what you’ve had to do to get to your current space in this universe.

Today something someone said made me think of change…how much I’ve changed in the last two years, hell in the last 2 months. Change is good, but looking back makes me see all the changes I’ve made, especially in the last 8 years of my life. Never standing still, always evolving, changing, and adjusting so that I can grow. Grow not just as a human being, but also spiritually. I think people are so quick to forget that we are spiritual beings living a human life, and that our soul, our spirit needs nourishment.

People think I am dark and mysterious, when in fact it is just me acknowledging my soul. I acknowledge every essence of my being, good and bad, and I know that I need to understand my own nature to truly be comfortable in my own skin.

 
This is not easy, and it is a constant process. I will be very honest, I am more attracted to my dark than my good side. There was a time not so long ago where I allowed my dark side to run amok in my life, especially my personal life. I always keep my work life stable and fixed, I will never destroy that base because my work is my base on which I build a lot of things. But within my personal life I will admit, I allow the darkest corners of my soul to explore more and more. It scares me sometimes when I realise that what I thought was my limit before is no longer there…that I am capable of reaching beyond, always reaching beyond.

How do you explain this to someone else without scaring them?

I don’t know, I guess that is why I always keep myself distant emotionally from others…the fear of hurting them with my truth is very strong for me…I know who I am, but I fear it might be too much for the next person.

One day I hope there will be someone in my life who will show me that they are strong enough to see me. To truly see me and not feel frightened by what they see. I am not bad, I’m not evil, I’m just aware of who I am on every level of existence…

A lesson forgotten

As I left my home this morning, the air was filled with a particular smell. It’s hard to describe this smell, but it’s only there during spring time. This particular smell always reminds me of my grandmother (on my father’s side). She was an amasing woman. Probably the most beautiful woman I ever had the privilege of knowing.

 
So on my way to work this morning I had this flood of beautiful memories of gran. She was a very tiny, little woman but had such a huge heart. I cannot remember her once getting so angry that she had to use foul language. She was loving and caring and she loved to bake. I loved her baking, especially her homemade bread. She would always bake in the morning and when the bread came hot out of the oven my dad and I would be in gran’s kitchen ready for our first slice. The butter and apricot jam would melt into the bread, and that for me was heaven J

For the first 11 or so years of my life we lived on a farm. I grew up on a very Afrikaans farm and by the age of 11 my parents got a divorce. We lived in the beautiful house my dad built for my mom when I was around 3 or 4,  and then across from our home was my grandparents’ home. We all lived together on the farm. My childhood was spent mainly in gran’s kitchen, and I loved sharing my dad’s first morning cup of coffee with him in gran’s kitchen. So many good memories happened there.

One of my best and most cherished memories are the ones where every afternoon after lunch my grandparents would go lie down for a nap, whilst listening to their favourite story on the radio. The story was called “Wolwedans in die skemer”. I would crawl in between my grandparents while my gran would gently stroke my face, while the 3 of us listened to our story. Sleep was never far off for me during those moments, and that for me is the ultimate definition of unconditional love.

My gran taught me the beauty of unconditional love, of caring for others. She taught me the comfort of a hug, the calming effect of a friendly smile. She taught me that you can overcome anger, fear or doubt with love. She taught me how to love, and today on my way to work her memories reminded me of that lesson again.

 

I remembered what it means to love again, a lesson I fear I sometimes forget…

 

Fear

My soul finds comfort in the darkest corners of my heart
Within that space where only my truth resides
A space filled with horrors that only I can fight
That sacred space where so few have tried...

Your soul...unusually beautiful
Filled with hopes and imaginings
Filled with believes of the purest dreams
Your soul that loves life so effortlessly

I fear...

Intro

Dear Blog,

 

For the last year, I was unable to partake in one of my favourite activities…blogging. The website that hosted my blog since 2006 closed down and the search for a new home started. This in itself can be quite traumatic, as I was to find out later on. I was comfortable with my previous site and I knew the other bloggers very well. Some even became friends outside of the blogging community, and to this day is still very close to me.

 

I missed writing, discussing, debating and analysing my own thoughts and experiences. It is amasing how your soul dies little bits every day when you do not write, at least that is what happens to me. My soul soars when I write. I’m not the best writer there is and I merely express whatever random and crazy thoughts I have. My blog is and never was for the entertainment of others, but merely a form of escapism for myself.

 

A lot of people have asked me over the years why I blog. I tried to explain, but unfortunately, not everyone understands. People assume blogging is in order to get attention. Trust me, if I wanted attention I would take all my clothes of and run around naked in the streets. Not that anyone would really want to see that…

 

It’s going to be difficult to get back into the habit of blogging, but I believe the time is right. It’s time for me to start feeding my soul. I’ve spent enough time feeding my career, and dealing with family dramas and secrets. Oh yes, the last 8 months have seen 2 major family secrets come to light. For an outsider looking in I guess they would assume that I should be extremely upset and hurt by the information, but I’m not. I actually feel free for the first time in my life. Truly free, and I finally understand so many things that happened in my past.

 

The old saying of “the truth will set you free” has most definitely been a theme in my life the last 8 months. A theme I plan on taking through as far as I can.

 

See how quickly I ramble on about various things…this was supposed to be my intro blog and already it’s turned into a whole post.

 

How I’ve missed this J