tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90449039136858382712024-03-09T02:22:50.983+02:00Tamsin's own little worldDarkness exists to make light truly count...Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-30784708168657419762013-12-09T12:16:00.001+02:002013-12-09T12:16:36.179+02:00Life changes
I’ve had a very interesting last two weeks with
regards to my spirituality. Angel and I keep on making one break through after
another. I finally understand why I feel the way I do about myself and why I
react and respond in a certain way towards certain situations. It is a very
liberating experience, but it is by no means an easy path. People always assume
that when you start working on yourself from a spiritual point of view the
realisations and break throughs will be so easy. I personally think the break
throughs are the more difficult parts of this process.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
Facing your demons, your heart, your past and
accepting what was done to you is not easy. The biggest lesson is to truly
accept yourself for all that you are. This is easier said than done…trust me. But
even though it is hard it is one of the most amasing experiences. Oddly enough
I’ve seen a massive shift in my little 2-year old nephew this past Saturday.
I’m very close with my niece and nephews but, Declin (2-year old) and I have
never had that close loving relationship that I have with the others. Whenever
I visit, he would refuse to get hugs or kisses from me. He would start crying
every time I pick him up and it would take him literally hours before he would
warm up to me and allow me anywhere near him. It made me feel horrible but I
still love him and I still try every single time I see them. <br />
<br />
This past Saturday was another family day, and as
usual I was hoping to get some love from Declin, even if it was just a little
bit. But he surprised me. He hugged me, kissed me, even fell asleep in my arms
when nobody else could comfort him. He was so extremely affectionate and showed
me so much love on Saturday. It was amasing. I believe he’s noticed/felt the
shift in my spiritual space and is responding very positively towards it.<br />
<br />
I know that I’m different. For the last 6 months
I’ve felt this need to get married again, and have a family, have children.
I’ve never really had this before in my life. I was happy to do the independent
girl thing, until earlier this year. I even started thinking about being
willing to sacrifice my career a little bit if it means I can have a family.
This is a place I’ve never thought I would be…not being successful, not
focusing on work is not something I’m used to. But here I am, thinking very
differently about my life and what I want from it.<br />
<br />
I only have one problem still, I struggle to show
people that I care about them. There is a guy I really like and a couple of
months ago he was very straight forward about his feelings, and all I did was
shut down. I made a mistake and then in a very random way I saw him again on
Friday night. I fear I pushed him away again…when in truth I don’t want to push
him away. It’s like trying to break a bad habit and not knowing how to break
it. If he is the right person for me, I hope life will give me another chance
and that I will recognise that opportunity if it is presented to me.<br />
<br />
I’m tired of hiding behind my walls…I want to show
the world who I really am…and not fear pain and rejection again.<o:p></o:p><br />
Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-54435919634232795212013-11-15T13:57:00.003+02:002013-11-15T13:57:43.723+02:00Friendships lost...I had a guy friend, a very good guy friend and we were extremely close. We've been friends for the last 5 years and we helped each other go through our various ups and downs. Supported each other, laughed with each, cried with each other. Yes there was a point during that friendship that I felt something for him. But it was for a brief moment and then those feelings vanished. He became like a brother to me and I could never again imagine myself having any form of romantic feelings towards him.<br />
<br />
He went through a horrible last 2 years and he got hurt extremely badly by his then girlfriend. I supported, I laughed, I cried, I was there in everyway I possible could be as a friend. The beginning of the year he confessed his feelings towards me and I was extremely shocked and surprised by this confession. He is like a brother and he just broke up with his gf and he was going through this really tough time. The last thing he should be doing was have feelings for me. I guess I should have acted differently towards him when he told me, but instead I did the worst thing possible. <br />
<br />
I closed up and I shut him out. I didn't feel that way about him and I never will. But instead of talking to him about it I just shut him out. I know I did wrong and I know I need to fix this. But I don't know how to. He has been through so much hurt and I don't want to keep on hurting him either. Today I received an email from him and it just broke my heart.<br />
<br />
I read this part of his letter, and my heart just broke all over again for him...<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><em><span style="color: blue;">"I have over the years grown closer to you that I did with most of my closest friends ever…..I shared thoughts and things with you that I never shared with anyone else……I did this because I felt and knew deep down inside…..I could trust you…..trust you for keeping it close to you and trust you for being direct and honest with me when no one else could……<u></u><u></u></span></em></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><u></u><em><span style="color: blue;"> <u></u></span></em></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><em><span style="color: blue;">I think above all I valued that part the most……<u></u><u></u></span></em></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><u></u><em><span style="color: blue;"> <u></u></span></em></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><em>…….but I came to realise that THAT is in the past…..its something that was…..something that was unique in so many ways that I was absolutely privileged to have experienced it during my life time and I am grateful for that…….I am."</em></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I owe him an explanation, and this weekend I need to force myself to sit down and write a response. I need to explain to him everything that I feel with regards to this situation. As much as I miss him, my friend, I don't know if we could ever be that again. I will always wonder if he still has feelings for me and he will always wonder if my feelings towards him will change...a recipe for disaster unfortunately :(</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span> </div>
Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-15896052006757606972013-11-12T09:20:00.004+02:002013-11-12T09:20:34.536+02:00Such a bitter pill to swallow...
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today I sit here and I’m fighting back the tears as I write
this. I’m at work and I need to keep my composure but it’s not easy. I’m so
unbelievably disappointed in two of my friends. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We work together and the 3 of us have become
such close friends over the last 3 to 4 years. I love them both so dearly and I
trusted them with everything.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">They didn’t harm me or acted out towards me. But their
actions a couple of days ago shocked me. I never expected this type of
behaviour from either one of them and I feel that the way they acted might be
seen as a mistake to a certain point yes. But they continued after that point
and then it is no longer a mistake but a characteristic they have. This type of
characteristic is something I do not condone and do not accept in friends. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Everyone thinks I’m such a hard ass…but I’m not. I’m a huge
bloody marshmallow on the inside, I just hide it well. I feel so hurt and disappointed
in them both and their actions. I know they didn’t do this to me, but they are
not the people I thought they were. I feel heartbroken because I feel like I
lost two friends, friends I dearly loved.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I will pull away slowly from them because I just can’t trust
them anymore…I feel so unbelievably sad today.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-33100347231108732032013-11-05T17:25:00.002+02:002013-11-05T17:25:16.255+02:00Spiritual being, living a human life
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am a very spiritual being. Something only my family and
close friends know. I believe that everything is connected, and that this
connection is via energy. I believe in Karma. I believe in God and angels and
spirits but not in the same way Christianity teaches us. I respect other
religions and believe that one should not destroy other people’s believes. We are all
free to believe in what makes us feel happy and comfortable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I do a lot of soul searching during the day as I go about my
business. I always try and better myself and be a better person towards others.
Granted that isn’t always easy but I try because I believe what you put out
into this world is what the world will give back. Sometimes I’ll look at
something negative that happened to me and I’ll wonder what on earth I did to
create this bad energy towards me, but then I realise that my soul chose this
path and all the lessons I learn during this lifetime are lessons I chose to
learn before I came down to earth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I started seeing a psychologist in 2009. She is my Angel,
and I’m very lucky that she turned out to be a very spiritual being herself. I
always laugh at people who think spiritual people walk around in tie-dye
clothing and act a certain way. That is such a misconstrued perception people
have. I look at Angel, and she is just as corporate as I am. And like me she
keeps her spiritual side not hidden, but not visible for the whole world to
see. I believe your spiritual believes are personal and that your actions
should show people who you are and not the words coming out of your mouth. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t need to run around telling the whole
world what your believes are, rather show them with how you treat others and
deal with situations. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">At first I didn’t know about Angel’s spiritual side but as
our sessions progressed and I felt more comfortable with her I was able to open
up about every single aspect of my life, and shared my believes with her. It
was during this period (I think it was July 2010) that she told me about her
believes and I’ve learnt a lot from her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I now see her on a monthly basis. We had another session
this morning and it always amases me how our sessions end up giving me more
than I expected. I made a huge breakthrough today with regards to my past and how
I handle certain situations. But to be able to discuss those realisations and
the effect it had on me and will have on me going forward from a spiritual
point of view as well and not just an emotional and mental view, is such a
liberating feeling. We actually felt and energy shift in her office as we
worked through this. By now I’m used to experiencing these things with her, but
today’s energy shift was huge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s difficult to explain this to people who haven’t been
there. I actually felt dizzy sitting in the chair and when I got back to work I
went and bought a chocolate. (Sugar helps ground you from an energy point of
view). I was feeling extremely “distant” from my body and knew I had a huge day
at the office ahead and had to be able to focus in this space and time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I find it hard sometimes to balance between wanting to
connect with the universal energy and having to stay grounded in this space to
physically get through my day. For people who are not used to this or aware of
these things, this will all sound very weird, and I make a point of not
discussing these things with people every day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But I am able to feel and sense energy. I’m able to feel and
sense other people’s emotions. I’ve had a lot of interesting experiences on a
spiritual level, but I don’t like sharing it randomly. For me it’s private.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I just loved the fact that I could actually feel and sense
the energy shift in my own personal space today. I know this will have big
ramifications going forward (in a positive way), but today for me was big. I
can’t wait to get home, put on my music and “meditate” within my own little
space tonight and just absorb all that happened and everything I was able to
resolve within myself today.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-35136004981321534192013-10-28T15:00:00.000+02:002013-10-28T15:00:16.262+02:00Songs, scarfs and grey skies
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Eyes on Fire by Blue Foundation<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24ICmB1Mka8">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24ICmB1Mka8</a><br />
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Whenever I hear this song I think of Mr <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>JT. (JT = Justin Timberlake). He looks exactly
like JT with the only difference being that he is taller and a lot more
muscular. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This song is from the Twilight (1<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">st</span></sup> movie)
soundtrack and I still remember the night (January 2009) the two of us went to
see the movie. I wanted to see the movie and he didn’t seem to be phased by
what I chose. For some reason, that night is etched into my memory for
eternity. I remember waiting for him in front of the cinema. We met directly
after work and it was a Friday, so I was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, and I
was wearing what was later to become “our scarf”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The scarf is a completely different story…LOL!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I go through these weird little phases where I “fall in love”
with a certain type of candy for weeks on end. During that period I was into
lollipops. I remember waiting for him (while eating the lollipop ;) ) I remember turning around, and as I did I<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>saw him
standing a couple of meters away from me, just standing there staring at me
with this beautiful smile on his face. His smiles had this way of making my
whole being just melt into oblivion of happiness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">He walked up to me, gave me a kiss and a hug and said: “You
look so cute and coy today”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember
when we went to sit down in the cinema, waiting for the movie to start. I
kicked my shoes off, curled my feet in under me, put my right hand on his back
(he was seated to my right), tucked myself in behind his left shoulder, and I
then put my left hand up his left arm’s sleeve (he was wearing a t-shirt). I
always do this when I’m relaxed and comfortable around a guy. He put his left
hand on my legs and pulled me closer, or as close as the seats would allow us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Afterwards he told me that he was surprised when I put my
hand up his sleeve, as he’s never had a girl do that with him before. I
apologised, cause it's an instinctive thing I do. He laughed and said: “Don’t apologise, I loved
it” and then he kissed me….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It wasn’t a huge date night, it wasn’t a huge romantic
evening but for some reason that night is one of my most vivid memories I share
with him. We had many memories, but this is one of the more beautiful ones
that got stuck in my mind, and this song always takes me back to that night.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today I had my music on random selection while working and
this song popped up…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I miss him. He was the second man to break my heart. The
first man to break my heart was my ex-husband. Then came Mr JT, and the third
man to break my heart…well. I don’t want to talk about him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">All I can say is that amongst all the heartache in my life,
I’ve experienced and shared some magical and powerful memories in love.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Sadly a couple of months after that night I remember another
night with him. We were at a party at a friend’s house, and he was dating
someone else. She didn’t come with to the party, still don’t know why. Anyway,
later that night he pulled me into the bathroom, pushed me up against the wall
and we started fighting. He fought with me cause he didn’t realise I had
feelings for him and I fought with him cause I couldn’t understand how he
couldn’t know that I had feelings for him. He kissed me with such hunger and
passion that night, and then he would push me away and tell me how we can’t do
this cause he is with someone else now. Then he started telling me about how he
didn’t want to give me “the scarf” back. I left it at his house and I literally
had to fight for weeks to get it back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">He told me that night in the bathroom through all the kissing and fighting how he would sniff my scarf cause my perfume,
my smell was all over it. For him it was the only thing/reminder he had of me. The "bathroom night" was in June 2009. We went back and forth for a long time, but I finally
made the decision for us both in April 2011. I ended everything and deleted him
from my life. It was one of the hardest things I had to do, but it was better for the both of us. We didn’t
belong together.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I still remember the Halloween party we attended in 2010…what
a night. He ended up cracking my one rib. LOL!!! It was one of those nights
that neither one of us will ever forget…but it was also the last night that we
were together physically. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went to
Mozambique for a holiday that December and I came back a different person. I
remember coming back from Moz in January on the Wednesday night, and the Friday
night he came to fetch me for drinks with friends. He was so excited to see me
that he rushed past my cousin, scooped me up and hugged and kissed me hello. He
was so excited to see me…but I already knew that night that things were different
and nothing will ever be what it was before…we were done…not because we didn't care about each other but because he will never be able to accept me for who I am. I will never be the perfect little princess he wanted me to be. I am a dark soul and it is a struggle for me to be this shiny, friendly bubbly person. Yes I can be those things at certain times, but not all the time. Not the way he wanted it. I knew that night that he would never be able to love me for all that I am, and that was one of the biggest reasons we bounced back in forth for such a long time. </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Sigh…I still have the scarf. It’s in my cupboard but I don’t
wear it anymore. It still hurts sometimes seeing that scarf, thinking of him,
and remembering all that was there, knowing what will never be again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today’s gloomy weather, hearing that song again and
remembering all of this definitely puts a bit of a damper on my mood. A girl
can’t be happy and smiling 24/7. It’s okay to reminisce and feel sad about lost
loves...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-79610012734761981892013-10-21T17:46:00.003+02:002013-10-22T07:42:02.405+02:00Attack of the crawlies... (part 1)I'm a very independent and self-sufficient girl. BUT there is one thing that can leave me whimpering in the corner like a little girl...crawlies (insects for those not familiar with the term).<br />
<br />
<br />
This past weekend saw me having to face a crawly, and it turned into quite the experience. Okay, so maybe it wasn't all that bad, but for me it felt like a massive thing. Saturday night, while watching TV (this was around 11:30pm) I see this massive cricket (at this point I didn't know what I was dealing with) jump onto one of my cubes in the lounge. <br />
<br />
Within a space of 3 seconds, I got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, my skin felt like it was crawling all over, I ran to the kitchen (have an open plan) screaming like a little girl and jumped onto the kitchen counter. My heart was still racing as I realised I was still screaming. My poor neighbours must have thought that I was busy with some very weird little sex game that time of night...and I did notice the one neighbour (old guy) giving me the evil eye yesterday when I bumped into him outside my place. I just smiled, waved and pretended to be miss little innocent, because what else are you supposed to do. There is no explaining away something like that..<br />
<br />
After what seemed HOURS on my kitchen counter I decided that it's too late to phone one of my brother-in-laws to come and save me. The possibility that they would get very upset with me for waking them up that time of the night to come and kill a bug at my place, and keeping in mind they are both about half an hour's drive away from me, was big. I know they love me, but I don't see the love running that deep...<br />
<br />
I'm not a very domestic type of girl. I don't really clean my own place or do my own laundry or anything along those lines. I have a maid and I drop my clothes off at a laundry to get washed and ironed. So I have no idea what chemicals I have in the house, needles to say if there would be any "bug spray" to annihilate my late night intruder with. *I still get shivers down my spine just thinking about that thing.....eeeuuuuuuuwwwww*<br />
<br />
I decided that staying on my kitchen counter the whole night would be a bit uncomfortable and calling in back-up was a bit unlikely. I would have to put on my big girl panties and just deal with it. *Why does it have to be big girl panties? Why can't it be sexy, black lingerie....that is so much more empowering than big girl panties...I digress*<br />
<br />
I then remembered an incident a couple of years ago where my sister took some Tupperware and very quickly placed it over a spider. That way not killing it, but catching it. Brilliant, I had a plan. However at the time I wasn't thinking this thing ahead. In order to place, or in my case throw the Tupperware and hope it stays, over the crawly I would actually have to get into touching distance of it. Did I mention that this thing jumps????<br />
<br />
Bravely dressed in my nighties, with Tupperware in one hand and expensive Nine West Stiletto in the other, I sneaked around the couch towards the scene of the crime. It was with shock and horror that I came face to face with my nemesis and realised this thing is bigger than I remembered. *I'm actually getting goosebumps while typing this...still so grossed out*. It was staring at me, and I swear that thing had this statistical little grin on it's face, thinking "This is going to be a walk in the park". <br />
<br />
I silently shed a little tear for my stiletto (in case things turned violent and I had to start smacking away with my shoe) and aimed the Tupperware at IT. I threw the Tupperware and unfortunately, as one would expect the thing jumped (I think IT trained with Spiderman in a previous life, that thing could move!!) onto the curtain and my Tupperware was on the other side of the cube.<br />
<br />
With heart racing and realising my game plan is now known to IT, I had to move fast. Still crying and softly whimpering out of pure disgust I grabbed the Tupperware and smashed it over IT on the curtain. IT was now firmly caught between my Tupperware and the curtain pressed against the sliding door....<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;">AND this is where I need to end part 1 because I need to run and will finish the rest of the story tomorrow ;)</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-10298881447207857982013-10-17T19:22:00.000+02:002013-10-17T19:22:01.142+02:00Things are calming down..I'm feeing very tired as I sit here typing away. <br />
<br />
Working hard, but happy to say we will be able to sign off phase 1 of the year-end tomorrow afternoon. There is still a phase 2 & 3 but at least we're getting there. As my boss always say: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time"<br />
<br />
I'm finding that my initial level of frustration with everyone and everything around me has started to subside, which feels really good. I also think that I was just going through a very stressful time the last couple of months and now things are starting to slowly resolve itself.<br />
<br />
There is beauty in soul silence and I find myself searching for those sacred moments when I am not surrounded by any other living things. That moment when I can close my eyes, allow my body to relax and, <em>soaked in silence</em>, discover my own heart beat. It is such a peaceful thing for me...and then I allow my mind to run free.<br />
<br />
I allow myself to dream. I dream of travelling, all over the world. I dream of finding true love and getting married. I dream of having children. I even dream of just being able to love again. I miss being loved, but I think I miss loving someone in return in even more so. I love to love. I love to take care of someone else. <br />
<br />
This is something very few people know about me. But I actually just love, loving someone else. I enjoy making someone else happy. <br />
<br />
I enjoy leaving little love notes in their jackets or on their car seats...or just sending sexy little random messages during the day because in that random moment I was thinking of that person :)<br />
<br />
I think it is time for my to stop being such a hard arse, and start showing my softer side. Stop showing the world that I'm made of rock and actually admit that I'm not always 100% in control. <br />
<br />
I think most people would laugh if they realise how little in control I really am, I just hide it well ;)<br />
<br />
I'm starting to ramble again and I'm losing the idea behind the blog post. LOL!!!!<br />
<br />
Ok, I think it's home time...<br />
<br />
Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-36089476914453414302013-10-12T12:26:00.000+02:002013-10-12T12:26:25.601+02:00Frustrations...I love my friends and family, I really do. But sometimes I just feel like throwing shit at them.<br />
<br />
Yes, I'm feeling very frustrated right now. <br />
<br />
For the month of October, every single year (this is not the first year) I have a financial year-end at work. For this whole month, I work myself to death. I have very tight deadlines and I literally have no time to do anything else but work. Right now it's 12:18pm on Saturday and I've been in the office since 9am. Don't know what time I'm finishing tonight, and this will be the some for tomorrow. <br />
<br />
I always warn my friends and family that I'm really busy during this period and I honestly don't have time to socialise or anything remotely close to that. This is not a joke and I'm not exaggerating. There is nothing I can do before hand to try and make this easier on myself. I only get information from the regions on the Monday morning (so I'm dependant on other people doing their jobs correctly) and then the following Monday I need to provide the final tax numbers for a certain region to the auditors. There is no other way of trying to make this easier, and this is only phase 1. It gets worse...<br />
<br />
Anyway, the last 3 days my friends (and this morning my family) have seriously pushed my patience and buttons with demanding my attention. It feels as if they don't listen to me when I say I'm not available, I'm busy working and I can't spend time with you. I don't have 30 minutes to sit and chat with you about your current issues. I'm busy.<br />
<br />
Yet, they just keep on. Fuck it pisses me off when they do this. I love them, but seriously just leave me alone for the next 2 or 3 weeks so that I can get my work done. So basically with all the love in the world, I feel like saying: "Please, fuck off".<br />
<br />
I know, it sounds very rude and I'm being bitchy but I just wish for once they would actually listen and take my needs into consideration instead of only focusing on theirs. Just this once, I would like for them to leave me alone.<br />
<br />
Sigh....so annoyed right now.<br />
<br />
Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-91559960512904680562013-10-04T14:59:00.000+02:002013-10-04T14:59:52.420+02:00Music
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I love music almost just as much as I love writing. My soul
vibrates and exists on a very different level whenever I hear good music. Or
good music as per my own definition. I don’t know how to explain it, but it
almost feels as if my heart slowly starts growing inside of my chest until my
ribcage can’t hold it anymore and it burst open, releasing all that I am into
the air around me. In that space my soul is truly exposed to all that is around
me, especially to the music and the lyrics.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I feel the music, I can taste the words and my skin feels
every emotion…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I get lost in music…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I come alive with music…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Music is my soul voice and through it I feel, live, love and
express emotions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFtaSNiGWuc">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFtaSNiGWuc</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This song is such a beautiful song, and my mind gets lost in so many memories... </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I love music :)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-77221046235696956132013-10-01T14:48:00.000+02:002013-10-01T14:48:58.093+02:00No words...Today or rather the last couple of days I find myself unable to express myself. I don't know what I feel. I feel lost inside my own head right now. I'm able to function and do what I need to do every day. I do what's expected of me. But everything feels distant...as if I'm trapped inside my own body staring at the world through tinted windows. <br />
<br />
I can see the world, I can feel the world, but I'm not living within that world right now. <br />
<br />
My soul is struggling in this space right now, it feels trapped.<br />
<br />
I see exes moving on...getting engaged or getting ready to pop the question; moving in with the new girlfriend... <br />
<br />
It makes me feel lost. I'm happy that they found happiness, but my own inability to move forward is slowly killing my soul. My inability to love without reserve or fear of pain is busy killing me. My heart aches for true love, but my mind has trapped my heart in this cage of fear. A cage built on the believe that I'm unlovable. That the monster I am inside can never truly be loved. All that I am is wrong deep down, inside. <br />
<br />
I've seen too much, lived through too much. All that I've gone through makes me feel burdened with darkness...and within this darkness I am not lovable. <br />
<br />
How do I allow someone to love me for me?<br />
<br />
I fear all that I am will end up destroying my future and as much as I want to stop that from happening, do I really want to stop it? Or is there comfort in the known darkness, regardless of the price...<br />
<br />
How do you hide from all that you are?<br />
<br />
I'm not making sense today dear blog, it's one of those days. I'm just lost in my own mind right now. I have this often and I always get out of it eventually...but for now I will stay lost just a little bit longer. Because here, in this uncomfortable darkness I feel like me...<br />
<br />
Tomorrow I will stare at the sun again and appreciate the glow and beauty of life, but for tonight I will dwell in the darkest corners of my mind...<br />
<br />
People always talk about finding balance in life, they refer to ying and yang. But they always focus on the good stuff, they forget that in order to achieve true balance you need to allow your darkness to exist as well...<br />
<br />
Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-78202689219477634762013-09-26T12:19:00.002+02:002013-09-26T12:19:59.799+02:00Life and all that other crap....Life is by no means a breeze in the park. But it is still a beautiful and wonderful experience. Granted some things can be painful, destructive and just down right scary. <br />
<br />
I've been doing a lot of soul searching the last year. A lot!! <br />
<br />
I've been revaluating my decisions, my beliefs, my habits....just about everything. Actually no I lie, I do this all the time. I'm constantly doing this in my life...it's just who I am I guess.<br />
<br />
Anyway...I digress.<br />
<br />
The other night I was home, and a few things happened during the day that set me on this path of thought analysis as I got home. I started to look at my life and I realised I have a really good life. <br />
<br />
My mom and I had a huge conversation about two weeks ago and for the first time in my life my mom was receptive to what I had to say. She actually listened to me and what was more amasing is that she actually took my advice. This is huge. My whole life I've always felt that I had to fight for my mother's attention. I always felt like the odd one out in our family (still feel like this). I have an older sister and a younger sister and my dad died when I was 12. So it's always just been us girls. But I always feel like an outsider, looking in with my family. I love my mom and sisters and they love me, but there have always been "something" that separated me from them. I still can't define it and I doubt this will ever change. But I've come to accept this and for the first time, a couple of weeks ago, my mother actually allowed me to express myself without rejecting me or what I had to say. She actually listened. I feel really good about this and I can even see the difference in my mother since then.<br />
<br />
Work is going really well, dealing with some "office politics" at the moment but not stressed about that. The people involved are underestimating my abilities and my connections within the organisation. Therefore I'm not too stressed and I don't really need to do anything to resolve the situation. It will resolve itself in time.<br />
<br />
The only thing I do miss in my life right now is a partner. Granted I have this horrible ability to push guys away when I feel they get too close, I do want to be happy with someone. I want to come home to someone at night. I want someone I can share my dreams and fears with. Someone to have silly, crazy, fun moments with. But also someone who I can sit and have deep intense discussions with. I miss that intellectual stimulation. Not that the guys I meet aren't intellectual people...they just don't show that side. They spend too much time trying to impress me with the amount of money they have or trying so hard to get me into bed that they forget that I need intellectual stimulation before I will go down that road with someone.<br />
<br />
A friend asked me the other day what my dream date is...she went on about this expensive dinner blah, blah, blah. Which for her is great, but that's not me. My dream date would be to go and sit on top of a hill or wherever you get to see a beautiful sunset (or sunrise). Sit with a bottle of wine, enjoy the beauty of nature around you and talk the whole night until the sun comes up. Talk about serious things, laugh and joke and discuss random silly things. This is what I want...not money or importance or a guy constantly trying to put the moves on me. Someone who actually knows how to communicate with me...<br />
<br />
One day I will find this ;) I just hope that one day is a lot closer than it feels right now.<br />
Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-22231870879352120162013-09-18T15:35:00.004+02:002013-09-18T15:35:36.387+02:00Too hard
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Just under a year ago I made a new female friend. She is
fun, crazy but honest and true. She will not sugar coat anything and she will
tell me if I’m wrong, one of the many reasons why I love her. Over the last
year we have become very close and dare I say I see her as one of my best
friends.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">A week ago the two of us were out having drinks, and while
we were out I was having a phone text chat with this guy I really like. At a
certain point during the chat I got irritated and just ended the chat right
there and then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My friend looked at me
and said: “Ali, you are very hard when it comes to guys”. (Ali is her nickname
for me).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This comment has haunted me ever since then. I never thought
of myself as being hard, I always thought I allowed guys too much. Over the
years I’ve had my heart broken a few times and I’ve had guys treat me really
shitty. That unfortunately is the reality. After a very bad experience with a
guy a year ago I decided that I need to stop allowing men to treat me like
this. I’m an average looking girl with a nice personality and I’m independent and
capable of taking care of myself. I do not need to have a guy make me feel that
I’m not good enough. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I then adopted this attitude that if a guy likes me and
wants to be with me, he will show me that. He will show me that he wants to
spend his time with me and will go out of his way to see me. Not make me feel that
he only sees me when he doesn’t have anything better to do and make me feel
that I’m not a priority in his life. If he wants to be with me he will, if I have
to start fighting for his attention, then he is clearly not into me and then I
move on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I move on…it is that simple. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But now I’m starting to think that maybe she is right, maybe
I shut down too quickly and cut guys off too quickly. But where the hell is the
balance? Sigh…so now my mind is running around and analysing prior situations
with guys and trying to figure out if I did the wrong thing by walking away
when I did?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t know…maybe I am too hard sometimes. It’s just really
difficult for me to just trust someone with my feelings. I’m very guarded when
it comes to my heart, not because I don’t feel anything. Trust me I have all
those feelings, I just don’t voice it easily. I’ve had too many people in my
life mess with my emotions/heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I wish I could sometimes shut my brain off….and just put
everything away and look at life with a smile on my face and not feel all the
stuff I feel.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-1815913747285270762013-09-16T15:27:00.002+02:002013-09-16T15:27:19.280+02:00Sunrise Earth
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I discovered the most amasing program on TV this past
Saturday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was early in the morning
and as usual, I haven’t had much sleep the night before. The wonderful world of
insomnia ;)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was flicking through the channels when I came upon a
program called “Sunrise Earth” on DiscoveryHD. The program consists of hour-long
episodes and in each episode, they’ve filmed a sunrise somewhere on earth. For
the whole hour, all you see are these beautiful views of a sunrise and the
sound of nature as they film this. There is no narration to it, it is just pure
nature at its best.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have to admit, I fell in love with this program. It’s on
my PVR list and I now record the various episodes every single morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I “watched” the episode on Saturday and
actually ended up doing this for 2 hours (the joys of replay). It was the most
calming feeling that washed over me. It felt as if I was actually meditating
during that time. It had such a calming effect on me. I loved it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My mind never shuts down. I’m always thinking of 5 million
things at the same time. Planning, analysing, processing…a never ending cycle
of thoughts, and partly the reason why I suffer from insomnia. My mind does not
shut down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But on Saturday, this program had the most calming effect on
me and for 2 hours it actually felt as if my mind was slowing down and my
thought processes felt a lot more “focussed”. It made me realise I need to get
out and spend time in nature a lot more. I need to go and find some time every
week and just connect with nature and shut everything and everyone else out of
my life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I can’t wait to get home tonight and see where this morning’s
sunrise episode was filmed. Silly I know, but it’s the small things in life
that makes me happy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-14541861452763334482013-09-14T15:08:00.003+02:002013-09-14T15:08:50.626+02:00Words
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">“I see at intervals the glance of a
curious sort of bird through the close-set bars of a cage: a vivid, restless,
resolute captive is there; were it but free, it would soar cloud-high.” </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Jane
Eyre – Charlotte Bronte </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><o:p></o:p> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p>Such beauty and truth exists in words...</o:p></div>
Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-3875726110942278772013-09-13T14:16:00.001+02:002013-09-13T14:16:31.095+02:00Change, truth and the darkness within
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Some days you just have to stop, take a deep breath, and
look back. Look back and see how far you have come. See and appreciate all the
obstacles you have overcome to be able to stand where you stand right now.
Focusing on the end goal, fighting for your dream is all good and well but
sometimes it is also healthy to look back and see what you’ve had to do to get
to your current space in this universe.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today something someone said made me think of change…how
much I’ve changed in the last two years, hell in the last 2 months. Change is
good, but looking back makes me see all the changes I’ve made, especially in
the last 8 years of my life. Never standing still, always evolving, changing,
and adjusting so that I can grow. Grow not just as a human being, but also
spiritually. I think people are so quick to forget that we are spiritual beings
living a human life, and that our soul, our spirit needs nourishment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">People think I am dark and mysterious, when in fact it is just
me acknowledging my soul. I acknowledge every essence of my being, good and
bad, and I know that I need to understand my own nature to truly be comfortable
in my own skin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This is not easy, and it is a constant process. I will be
very honest, I am more attracted to my dark than my good side. There was a time
not so long ago where I allowed my dark side to run amok in my life, especially
my personal life. I always keep my work life stable and fixed, I will never
destroy that base because my work is my base on which I build a lot of things.
But within my personal life I will admit, I allow the darkest corners of my
soul to explore more and more. It scares me sometimes when I realise that what
I thought was my limit before is no longer there…that I am capable of reaching
beyond, always reaching beyond.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">How do you explain this to someone else without scaring
them?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t know, I guess that is why I always keep myself
distant emotionally from others…the fear of hurting them with my truth is very
strong for me…I know who I am, but I fear it might be too much for the next
person.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">One day I hope there will be someone in my life who will
show me that they are strong enough to see me. To truly see me and not feel
frightened by what they see. I am not bad, I’m not evil, I’m just aware of who
I am on every level of existence…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-4736131938743953582013-09-12T08:15:00.002+02:002013-09-12T08:16:16.974+02:00A lesson forgotten<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">As I left my home this morning, the air was filled with a
particular smell. It’s hard to describe this smell, but it’s only there during
spring time. This particular smell always reminds me of my grandmother (on my
father’s side). She was an amasing woman. Probably the most beautiful woman I
ever had the privilege of knowing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So on my way to work this morning I had this flood of
beautiful memories of gran. She was a very tiny, little woman but had such a
huge heart. I cannot remember her once getting so angry that she had to use foul
language. She was loving and caring and she loved to bake. I loved her baking,
especially her homemade bread. She would always bake in the morning and when
the bread came hot out of the oven my dad and I would be in gran’s kitchen
ready for our first slice. The butter and apricot jam would melt into
the bread, and that for me was heaven </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><o:p></o:p><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">For the first 11 or so years of my life we lived on a farm.
I grew up on a very Afrikaans farm and by the age of 11 my parents got a
divorce. We lived in the beautiful house my dad built for my mom when I was
around 3 or 4, and then across from our home was my grandparents’
home. We all lived together on the farm. My childhood was spent mainly in gran’s kitchen, and I loved sharing my
dad’s first morning cup of coffee with him in gran’s kitchen. So many good memories
happened there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">One of my best and most cherished memories are the ones
where every afternoon after lunch my grandparents would go lie down for a nap,
whilst listening to their favourite story on the radio. The story was called “Wolwedans
in die skemer”. I would crawl in between my grandparents while my gran would
gently stroke my face, while the 3 of us listened to our story. Sleep was never far off for me during those moments, and that for me is the ultimate
definition of unconditional love. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My gran taught me the beauty of unconditional love, of
caring for others. She taught me the comfort of a hug, the calming effect of a
friendly smile. She taught me that you can overcome anger, fear or doubt with
love. She taught me how to love, and today on my way to work her memories
reminded me of that lesson again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I remembered what it means to love again, a
lesson I fear I sometimes forget…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-77066737131983371172013-09-10T16:28:00.003+02:002013-09-10T16:28:29.929+02:00Fear<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">My soul finds comfort in the darkest corners of my heart</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Within that space where only my truth resides</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">A space filled with horrors that only I can fight</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">That sacred space where so few have tried...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Your soul...unusually beautiful</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Filled with hopes and imaginings</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Filled with believes of the purest dreams</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Your soul that loves life so effortlessly</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I fear...</span>Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9044903913685838271.post-19977293486945062152013-08-20T15:47:00.001+02:002013-08-20T15:47:57.044+02:00Intro
<br />
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Dear Blog,</div>
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</div>
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For the last year, I was unable to partake in one
of my favourite activities…blogging. The website that hosted my blog since 2006
closed down and the search for a new home started. This in itself can be quite
traumatic, as I was to find out later on. I was comfortable with my previous
site and I knew the other bloggers very well. Some even became friends outside
of the blogging community, and to this day is still very close to me.</div>
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</div>
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I missed writing, discussing, debating and
analysing my own thoughts and experiences. It is amasing how your soul dies
little bits every day when you do not write, at least that is what happens to
me. My soul soars when I write. I’m not the best writer there is and I merely
express whatever random and crazy thoughts I have. My blog is and never was for
the entertainment of others, but merely a form of escapism for myself.</div>
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</div>
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A lot of people have asked me over the years why I
blog. I tried to explain, but unfortunately, not everyone understands. People
assume blogging is in order to get attention. Trust me, if I wanted attention I
would take all my clothes of and run around naked in the streets. Not that
anyone would really want to see that…</div>
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</div>
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It’s going to be difficult to get back into the
habit of blogging, but I believe the time is right. It’s time for me to start
feeding my soul. I’ve spent enough time feeding my career, and dealing with
family dramas and secrets. Oh yes, the last 8 months have seen 2 major family
secrets come to light. For an outsider looking in I guess they would assume
that I should be extremely upset and hurt by the information, but I’m not. I
actually feel free for the first time in my life. Truly free, and I finally
understand so many things that happened in my past. </div>
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</div>
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The old saying of “the truth will set you free” has
most definitely been a theme in my life the last 8 months. A theme I plan on taking
through as far as I can. </div>
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</div>
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See how quickly I ramble on about various things…this
was supposed to be my intro blog and already it’s turned into a whole post.</div>
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</div>
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How I’ve missed this <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><o:p></o:p></div>
Tamsinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01763549548094039858noreply@blogger.com0