Life changes

I’ve had a very interesting last two weeks with regards to my spirituality. Angel and I keep on making one break through after another. I finally understand why I feel the way I do about myself and why I react and respond in a certain way towards certain situations. It is a very liberating experience, but it is by no means an easy path. People always assume that when you start working on yourself from a spiritual point of view the realisations and break throughs will be so easy. I personally think the break throughs are the more difficult parts of this process.

Facing your demons, your heart, your past and accepting what was done to you is not easy. The biggest lesson is to truly accept yourself for all that you are. This is easier said than done…trust me. But even though it is hard it is one of the most amasing experiences. Oddly enough I’ve seen a massive shift in my little 2-year old nephew this past Saturday. I’m very close with my niece and nephews but, Declin (2-year old) and I have never had that close loving relationship that I have with the others. Whenever I visit, he would refuse to get hugs or kisses from me. He would start crying every time I pick him up and it would take him literally hours before he would warm up to me and allow me anywhere near him. It made me feel horrible but I still love him and I still try every single time I see them.

This past Saturday was another family day, and as usual I was hoping to get some love from Declin, even if it was just a little bit. But he surprised me. He hugged me, kissed me, even fell asleep in my arms when nobody else could comfort him. He was so extremely affectionate and showed me so much love on Saturday. It was amasing. I believe he’s noticed/felt the shift in my spiritual space and is responding very positively towards it.

I know that I’m different. For the last 6 months I’ve felt this need to get married again, and have a family, have children. I’ve never really had this before in my life. I was happy to do the independent girl thing, until earlier this year. I even started thinking about being willing to sacrifice my career a little bit if it means I can have a family. This is a place I’ve never thought I would be…not being successful, not focusing on work is not something I’m used to. But here I am, thinking very differently about my life and what I want from it.

I only have one problem still, I struggle to show people that I care about them. There is a guy I really like and a couple of months ago he was very straight forward about his feelings, and all I did was shut down. I made a mistake and then in a very random way I saw him again on Friday night. I fear I pushed him away again…when in truth I don’t want to push him away. It’s like trying to break a bad habit and not knowing how to break it. If he is the right person for me, I hope life will give me another chance and that I will recognise that opportunity if it is presented to me.

I’m tired of hiding behind my walls…I want to show the world who I really am…and not fear pain and rejection again.

Friendships lost...

I had a guy friend, a very good guy friend and we were extremely close. We've been friends for the last 5 years and we helped each other go through our various ups and downs. Supported each other, laughed with each, cried with each other. Yes there was a point during that friendship that I felt something for him. But it was for a brief moment and then those feelings vanished. He became like a brother to me and I could never again imagine myself having any form of romantic feelings towards him.

He went through a horrible last 2 years and he got hurt extremely badly by his then girlfriend. I supported, I laughed, I cried, I was there in everyway I possible could be as a friend. The beginning of the year he confessed his feelings towards me and I was extremely shocked and surprised by this confession. He is like a brother and he just broke up with his gf and he was going through this really tough time. The last thing he should be doing was have feelings for me. I guess I should have acted differently towards him when he told me, but instead I did the worst thing possible.

I closed up and I shut him out. I didn't feel that way about him and I never will. But instead of talking to him about it I just shut him out. I know I did wrong and I know I need to fix this. But I don't know how to. He has been through so much hurt and I don't want to keep on hurting him either. Today I received an email from him and it just broke my heart.

I read this part of his letter, and my heart just broke all over again for him...

"I have over the years grown closer to you that I did with most of my closest friends ever…..I shared thoughts and things with you that I never shared with anyone else……I did this because I felt and knew deep down inside…..I could trust you…..trust you for keeping it close to you and trust you for being direct and honest with me when no one else could……

 

I think above all I valued that part the most……

 

…….but I came to realise that THAT is in the past…..its something that was…..something that was unique in so many ways that I was absolutely privileged to have experienced it during my life time and I am grateful for that…….I am."

 

I owe him an explanation, and this weekend I need to force myself to sit down and write a response. I need to explain to him everything that I feel with regards to this situation. As much as I miss him, my friend, I don't know if we could ever be that again. I will always wonder if he still has feelings for me and he will always wonder if my feelings towards him will change...a recipe for disaster unfortunately :(

 

 

Such a bitter pill to swallow...

Today I sit here and I’m fighting back the tears as I write this. I’m at work and I need to keep my composure but it’s not easy. I’m so unbelievably disappointed in two of my friends.  We work together and the 3 of us have become such close friends over the last 3 to 4 years. I love them both so dearly and I trusted them with everything.

They didn’t harm me or acted out towards me. But their actions a couple of days ago shocked me. I never expected this type of behaviour from either one of them and I feel that the way they acted might be seen as a mistake to a certain point yes. But they continued after that point and then it is no longer a mistake but a characteristic they have. This type of characteristic is something I do not condone and do not accept in friends.

Everyone thinks I’m such a hard ass…but I’m not. I’m a huge bloody marshmallow on the inside, I just hide it well. I feel so hurt and disappointed in them both and their actions. I know they didn’t do this to me, but they are not the people I thought they were. I feel heartbroken because I feel like I lost two friends, friends I dearly loved.

I will pull away slowly from them because I just can’t trust them anymore…I feel so unbelievably sad today.

Spiritual being, living a human life

I am a very spiritual being. Something only my family and close friends know. I believe that everything is connected, and that this connection is via energy. I believe in Karma. I believe in God and angels and spirits but not in the same way Christianity teaches us. I respect other religions and believe that one should not destroy other people’s believes. We are all free to believe in what makes us feel happy and comfortable.

I do a lot of soul searching during the day as I go about my business. I always try and better myself and be a better person towards others. Granted that isn’t always easy but I try because I believe what you put out into this world is what the world will give back. Sometimes I’ll look at something negative that happened to me and I’ll wonder what on earth I did to create this bad energy towards me, but then I realise that my soul chose this path and all the lessons I learn during this lifetime are lessons I chose to learn before I came down to earth.

 

I started seeing a psychologist in 2009. She is my Angel, and I’m very lucky that she turned out to be a very spiritual being herself. I always laugh at people who think spiritual people walk around in tie-dye clothing and act a certain way. That is such a misconstrued perception people have. I look at Angel, and she is just as corporate as I am. And like me she keeps her spiritual side not hidden, but not visible for the whole world to see. I believe your spiritual believes are personal and that your actions should show people who you are and not the words coming out of your mouth.  You don’t need to run around telling the whole world what your believes are, rather show them with how you treat others and deal with situations.

 

At first I didn’t know about Angel’s spiritual side but as our sessions progressed and I felt more comfortable with her I was able to open up about every single aspect of my life, and shared my believes with her. It was during this period (I think it was July 2010) that she told me about her believes and I’ve learnt a lot from her.

I now see her on a monthly basis. We had another session this morning and it always amases me how our sessions end up giving me more than I expected. I made a huge breakthrough today with regards to my past and how I handle certain situations. But to be able to discuss those realisations and the effect it had on me and will have on me going forward from a spiritual point of view as well and not just an emotional and mental view, is such a liberating feeling. We actually felt and energy shift in her office as we worked through this. By now I’m used to experiencing these things with her, but today’s energy shift was huge.

 

It’s difficult to explain this to people who haven’t been there. I actually felt dizzy sitting in the chair and when I got back to work I went and bought a chocolate. (Sugar helps ground you from an energy point of view). I was feeling extremely “distant” from my body and knew I had a huge day at the office ahead and had to be able to focus in this space and time.

 

I find it hard sometimes to balance between wanting to connect with the universal energy and having to stay grounded in this space to physically get through my day. For people who are not used to this or aware of these things, this will all sound very weird, and I make a point of not discussing these things with people every day.

 But I am able to feel and sense energy. I’m able to feel and sense other people’s emotions. I’ve had a lot of interesting experiences on a spiritual level, but I don’t like sharing it randomly. For me it’s private.

 

I just loved the fact that I could actually feel and sense the energy shift in my own personal space today. I know this will have big ramifications going forward (in a positive way), but today for me was big. I can’t wait to get home, put on my music and “meditate” within my own little space tonight and just absorb all that happened and everything I was able to resolve within myself today.

Songs, scarfs and grey skies

Eyes on Fire by Blue Foundation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24ICmB1Mka8
 

Whenever I hear this song I think of Mr  JT. (JT = Justin Timberlake). He looks exactly like JT with the only difference being that he is taller and a lot more muscular.

This song is from the Twilight (1^st movie) soundtrack and I still remember the night (January 2009) the two of us went to see the movie. I wanted to see the movie and he didn’t seem to be phased by what I chose. For some reason, that night is etched into my memory for eternity. I remember waiting for him in front of the cinema. We met directly after work and it was a Friday, so I was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, and I was wearing what was later to become “our scarf”.  The scarf is a completely different story…LOL!

I go through these weird little phases where I “fall in love” with a certain type of candy for weeks on end. During that period I was into lollipops. I remember waiting for him (while eating the lollipop ;) ) I remember turning around, and as I did I saw him standing a couple of meters away from me, just standing there staring at me with this beautiful smile on his face. His smiles had this way of making my whole being just melt into oblivion of happiness.

He walked up to me, gave me a kiss and a hug and said: “You look so cute and coy today”.  I remember when we went to sit down in the cinema, waiting for the movie to start. I kicked my shoes off, curled my feet in under me, put my right hand on his back (he was seated to my right), tucked myself in behind his left shoulder, and I then put my left hand up his left arm’s sleeve (he was wearing a t-shirt). I always do this when I’m relaxed and comfortable around a guy. He put his left hand on my legs and pulled me closer, or as close as the seats would allow us.

Afterwards he told me that he was surprised when I put my hand up his sleeve, as he’s never had a girl do that with him before. I apologised, cause it's an instinctive thing I do. He laughed and said: “Don’t apologise, I loved it” and then he kissed me….

It wasn’t a huge date night, it wasn’t a huge romantic evening but for some reason that night is one of my most vivid memories I share with him. We had many memories, but this is one of the more beautiful ones that got stuck in my mind, and this song always takes me back to that night.

Today I had my music on random selection while working and this song popped up…

I miss him. He was the second man to break my heart. The first man to break my heart was my ex-husband. Then came Mr JT, and the third man to break my heart…well. I don’t want to talk about him.

All I can say is that amongst all the heartache in my life, I’ve experienced and shared some magical and powerful memories in love.

Sadly a couple of months after that night I remember another night with him. We were at a party at a friend’s house, and he was dating someone else. She didn’t come with to the party, still don’t know why. Anyway, later that night he pulled me into the bathroom, pushed me up against the wall and we started fighting. He fought with me cause he didn’t realise I had feelings for him and I fought with him cause I couldn’t understand how he couldn’t know that I had feelings for him. He kissed me with such hunger and passion that night, and then he would push me away and tell me how we can’t do this cause he is with someone else now. Then he started telling me about how he didn’t want to give me “the scarf” back. I left it at his house and I literally had to fight for weeks to get it back.

He told me that night  in the bathroom through all the kissing and fighting how he would sniff my scarf cause my perfume, my smell was all over it.  For him it was the only thing/reminder he had of me. The "bathroom night" was in June 2009. We went back and forth for a long time, but I finally made the decision for us both in April 2011. I ended everything and deleted him from my life. It was one of the hardest things I had to do, but it was better for the both of us. We didn’t belong together.

I still remember the Halloween party we attended in 2010…what a night. He ended up cracking my one rib. LOL!!! It was one of those nights that neither one of us will ever forget…but it was also the last night that we were together physically.  I went to Mozambique for a holiday that December and I came back a different person. I remember coming back from Moz in January on the Wednesday night, and the Friday night he came to fetch me for drinks with friends. He was so excited to see me that he rushed past my cousin, scooped me up and hugged and kissed me hello. He was so excited to see me…but I already knew that night that things were different and nothing will ever be what it was before…we were done…not because we didn't care about each other but because he will never be able to accept me for who I am. I will never be the perfect little princess he wanted me to be. I am a dark soul and it is a struggle for me to be this shiny, friendly bubbly person. Yes I can be those things at certain times, but not all the time. Not the way he wanted it. I knew that night that he would never be able to love me for all that I am, and that was one of the biggest reasons we bounced back in forth for such a long time. 

Sigh…I still have the scarf. It’s in my cupboard but I don’t wear it anymore. It still hurts sometimes seeing that scarf, thinking of him, and remembering all that was there, knowing what will never be again.

 

Today’s gloomy weather, hearing that song again and remembering all of this definitely puts a bit of a damper on my mood. A girl can’t be happy and smiling 24/7. It’s okay to reminisce and feel sad about lost loves...

 

Attack of the crawlies... (part 1)

I'm a very independent and self-sufficient girl. BUT there is one thing that can leave me whimpering in the corner like a little girl...crawlies (insects for those not familiar with the term).


This past weekend saw me having to face a crawly, and it turned into quite the experience. Okay, so maybe it wasn't all that bad, but for me it felt like a massive thing. Saturday night, while watching TV (this was around 11:30pm) I see this massive cricket (at this point I didn't know what I was dealing with) jump onto one of my cubes in the lounge.

Within a space of 3 seconds, I got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, my skin felt like it was crawling all over, I ran to the kitchen (have an open plan) screaming like a little girl and jumped onto the kitchen counter. My heart was still racing as I realised I was still screaming. My poor neighbours must have thought that I was busy with some very weird little sex game that time of night...and I did notice the one neighbour (old guy) giving me the evil eye yesterday when I bumped into him outside my place. I just smiled, waved and pretended to be miss little innocent, because what else are you supposed to do. There is no explaining away something like that..

After what seemed HOURS on my kitchen counter I decided that it's too late to phone one of my brother-in-laws to come and save me. The possibility that they would get very upset with me for waking them up that time of the night to come and kill a bug at my place, and keeping in mind they are both about half an hour's drive away from me, was big. I know they love me, but I don't see the love running that deep...

I'm not a very domestic type of girl. I don't really clean my own place or do my own laundry or anything along those lines. I have a maid and I drop my clothes off at a laundry to get washed and ironed. So I have no idea what chemicals I have in the house, needles to say if there would be any "bug spray" to annihilate my late night intruder with. *I still get shivers down my spine just thinking about that thing.....eeeuuuuuuuwwwww*

I decided that staying on my kitchen counter the whole night would be a bit uncomfortable and calling in back-up was a bit unlikely. I would have to put on my big girl panties and just deal with it. *Why does it have to be big girl panties? Why can't it be sexy, black lingerie....that is so much more empowering than big girl panties...I digress*

I then remembered an incident a couple of years ago where my sister took some Tupperware and very quickly placed it over a spider. That way not killing it, but catching it. Brilliant, I had a plan. However at the time I wasn't thinking this thing ahead. In order to place, or in my case throw the Tupperware and hope it stays, over the crawly I would actually have to get into touching distance of it. Did I mention that this thing jumps????

Bravely dressed in my nighties, with Tupperware in one hand and expensive Nine West Stiletto in the other, I sneaked around the couch towards the scene of the crime. It was with shock and horror that I came face to face with my nemesis and realised this thing is bigger than I remembered. *I'm actually getting goosebumps while typing this...still so grossed out*. It was staring at me, and I swear that thing had this statistical little grin on it's face, thinking "This is going to be a walk in the park".

I silently shed a little tear for my stiletto (in case things turned violent and I had to start smacking away with my shoe) and aimed the Tupperware at IT. I threw the Tupperware and unfortunately, as one would expect the thing jumped (I think IT trained with Spiderman in a previous life, that thing could move!!) onto the curtain and my Tupperware was on the other side of the cube.

With heart racing and realising my game plan is now known to IT, I had to move fast. Still crying and softly whimpering out of pure disgust I grabbed the Tupperware and smashed it over IT on the curtain. IT was now firmly caught between my Tupperware and the curtain pressed against the sliding door....


AND this is where I need to end part 1 because I need to run and will finish the rest of the story tomorrow ;)

Things are calming down..

I'm feeing very tired as I sit here typing away.

Working hard, but happy to say we will be able to sign off phase 1 of the year-end tomorrow afternoon. There is still a phase 2 & 3 but at least we're getting there. As my boss always say: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time"

I'm finding that my initial level of frustration with everyone and everything around me has started to subside, which feels really good. I also think that I was just going through a very stressful time the last couple of months and now things are starting to slowly resolve itself.

There is beauty in soul silence and I find myself searching for those sacred moments when I am not surrounded by any other living things. That moment when I can close my eyes, allow my body to relax and, soaked in silence, discover my own heart beat. It is such a peaceful thing for me...and then I allow my mind to run free.

I allow myself to dream. I dream of travelling, all over the world. I dream of finding true love and getting married. I dream of having children. I even dream of just being able to love again. I miss being loved, but I think I miss loving someone in return in even more so. I love to love. I love to take care of someone else.

This is something very few people know about me. But I actually just love, loving someone else. I enjoy making someone else happy.

I enjoy leaving little love notes in their jackets or on their car seats...or just sending sexy little random messages during the day because in that random moment I was thinking of that person :)

I think it is time for my to stop being such a hard arse, and start showing my softer side. Stop showing the world that I'm made of rock and actually admit that I'm not always 100% in control.

I think most people would laugh if they realise how little in control I really am, I just hide it well ;)

I'm starting to ramble again and I'm losing the idea behind the blog post. LOL!!!!

Ok, I think it's home time...

Frustrations...

I love my friends and family, I really do. But sometimes I just feel like throwing shit at them.

Yes, I'm feeling very frustrated right now.

For the month of October, every single year (this is not the first year) I have a financial year-end at work.  For this whole month, I work myself to death. I have very tight deadlines and I literally have no time to do anything else but work. Right now it's 12:18pm on Saturday and I've been in the office since 9am. Don't know what time I'm finishing tonight, and this will be the some for tomorrow.

I always warn my friends and family that I'm really busy during this period and I honestly don't have time to socialise or anything remotely close to that. This is not a joke and I'm not exaggerating. There is nothing I can do before hand to try and make this easier on myself. I only get information from the regions on the Monday morning (so I'm dependant on other people doing their jobs correctly) and then the following Monday I need to provide the final tax numbers for a certain region to the auditors. There is no other way of trying to make this easier, and this is only phase 1. It gets worse...

Anyway, the last 3 days my friends (and this morning my family) have seriously pushed my patience and buttons with demanding my attention. It feels as if they don't listen to me when I say I'm not available, I'm busy working and I can't spend time with you. I don't have 30 minutes to sit and chat with you about your current issues. I'm busy.

Yet, they just keep on. Fuck it pisses me off when they do this. I love them, but seriously just leave me alone for the next 2 or 3 weeks so that I can get my work done. So basically with all the love in the world, I feel like saying: "Please, fuck off".

I know, it sounds very rude and I'm being bitchy but I just wish for once they would actually listen and take my needs into consideration instead of only focusing on theirs. Just this once, I would like for them to leave me alone.

Sigh....so annoyed right now.

Music

I love music almost just as much as I love writing. My soul vibrates and exists on a very different level whenever I hear good music. Or good music as per my own definition. I don’t know how to explain it, but it almost feels as if my heart slowly starts growing inside of my chest until my ribcage can’t hold it anymore and it burst open, releasing all that I am into the air around me. In that space my soul is truly exposed to all that is around me, especially to the music and the lyrics.

 

I feel the music, I can taste the words and my skin feels every emotion…

I get lost in music…

I come alive with music…

Music is my soul voice and through it I feel, live, love and express emotions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFtaSNiGWuc

 

This song is such a beautiful song, and my mind gets lost in so many memories...

 

I love music :)

 

 

No words...

Today or rather the last couple of days I find myself unable to express myself. I don't know what I feel. I feel lost inside my own head right now. I'm able to function and do what I need to do every day. I do what's expected of me. But everything feels distant...as if I'm trapped inside my own body staring at the world through tinted windows.

I can see the world, I can feel the world, but I'm not living within that world right now.

My soul is struggling in this space right now, it feels trapped.

I see exes moving on...getting engaged or getting ready to pop the question; moving in with the new girlfriend...

It makes me feel lost. I'm happy that they found happiness, but my own inability to move forward is slowly killing my soul. My inability to love without reserve or fear of pain is busy killing me. My heart aches for true love, but my mind has trapped my heart in this cage of fear. A cage built on the believe that I'm unlovable. That the monster I am inside can never truly be loved. All that I am is wrong deep down, inside.

I've seen too much, lived through too much. All that I've gone through makes me feel burdened with darkness...and within this darkness I am not lovable.

How do I allow someone to love me for me?

I fear all that I am will end up destroying my future and as much as I want to stop that from happening, do I really want to stop it? Or is there comfort in the known darkness, regardless of the price...

How do you hide from all that you are?

I'm not making sense today dear blog, it's one of those days. I'm just lost in my own mind right now. I have this often and I always get out of it eventually...but for now I will stay lost just a little bit longer. Because here, in this uncomfortable darkness I feel like me...

Tomorrow I will stare at the sun again and appreciate the glow and beauty of life, but for tonight I will dwell in the darkest corners of my mind...

People always talk about finding balance in life, they refer to ying and yang. But they always focus on the good stuff, they forget that in order to achieve true balance you need to allow your darkness to exist as well...