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Friday, November 15, 2013

Friendships lost...

I had a guy friend, a very good guy friend and we were extremely close. We've been friends for the last 5 years and we helped each other go through our various ups and downs. Supported each other, laughed with each, cried with each other. Yes there was a point during that friendship that I felt something for him. But it was for a brief moment and then those feelings vanished. He became like a brother to me and I could never again imagine myself having any form of romantic feelings towards him.

He went through a horrible last 2 years and he got hurt extremely badly by his then girlfriend. I supported, I laughed, I cried, I was there in everyway I possible could be as a friend. The beginning of the year he confessed his feelings towards me and I was extremely shocked and surprised by this confession. He is like a brother and he just broke up with his gf and he was going through this really tough time. The last thing he should be doing was have feelings for me. I guess I should have acted differently towards him when he told me, but instead I did the worst thing possible.

I closed up and I shut him out. I didn't feel that way about him and I never will. But instead of talking to him about it I just shut him out. I know I did wrong and I know I need to fix this. But I don't know how to. He has been through so much hurt and I don't want to keep on hurting him either. Today I received an email from him and it just broke my heart.

I read this part of his letter, and my heart just broke all over again for him...

"I have over the years grown closer to you that I did with most of my closest friends ever…..I shared thoughts and things with you that I never shared with anyone else……I did this because I felt and knew deep down inside…..I could trust you…..trust you for keeping it close to you and trust you for being direct and honest with me when no one else could……
 
I think above all I valued that part the most……
 
…….but I came to realise that THAT is in the past…..its something that was…..something that was unique in so many ways that I was absolutely privileged to have experienced it during my life time and I am grateful for that…….I am."
 
I owe him an explanation, and this weekend I need to force myself to sit down and write a response. I need to explain to him everything that I feel with regards to this situation. As much as I miss him, my friend, I don't know if we could ever be that again. I will always wonder if he still has feelings for me and he will always wonder if my feelings towards him will change...a recipe for disaster unfortunately :(
 
 

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