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Friday, November 15, 2013

Friendships lost...

I had a guy friend, a very good guy friend and we were extremely close. We've been friends for the last 5 years and we helped each other go through our various ups and downs. Supported each other, laughed with each, cried with each other. Yes there was a point during that friendship that I felt something for him. But it was for a brief moment and then those feelings vanished. He became like a brother to me and I could never again imagine myself having any form of romantic feelings towards him.

He went through a horrible last 2 years and he got hurt extremely badly by his then girlfriend. I supported, I laughed, I cried, I was there in everyway I possible could be as a friend. The beginning of the year he confessed his feelings towards me and I was extremely shocked and surprised by this confession. He is like a brother and he just broke up with his gf and he was going through this really tough time. The last thing he should be doing was have feelings for me. I guess I should have acted differently towards him when he told me, but instead I did the worst thing possible.

I closed up and I shut him out. I didn't feel that way about him and I never will. But instead of talking to him about it I just shut him out. I know I did wrong and I know I need to fix this. But I don't know how to. He has been through so much hurt and I don't want to keep on hurting him either. Today I received an email from him and it just broke my heart.

I read this part of his letter, and my heart just broke all over again for him...

"I have over the years grown closer to you that I did with most of my closest friends ever…..I shared thoughts and things with you that I never shared with anyone else……I did this because I felt and knew deep down inside…..I could trust you…..trust you for keeping it close to you and trust you for being direct and honest with me when no one else could……
 
I think above all I valued that part the most……
 
…….but I came to realise that THAT is in the past…..its something that was…..something that was unique in so many ways that I was absolutely privileged to have experienced it during my life time and I am grateful for that…….I am."
 
I owe him an explanation, and this weekend I need to force myself to sit down and write a response. I need to explain to him everything that I feel with regards to this situation. As much as I miss him, my friend, I don't know if we could ever be that again. I will always wonder if he still has feelings for me and he will always wonder if my feelings towards him will change...a recipe for disaster unfortunately :(
 
 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Such a bitter pill to swallow...

Today I sit here and I’m fighting back the tears as I write this. I’m at work and I need to keep my composure but it’s not easy. I’m so unbelievably disappointed in two of my friends.  We work together and the 3 of us have become such close friends over the last 3 to 4 years. I love them both so dearly and I trusted them with everything.

They didn’t harm me or acted out towards me. But their actions a couple of days ago shocked me. I never expected this type of behaviour from either one of them and I feel that the way they acted might be seen as a mistake to a certain point yes. But they continued after that point and then it is no longer a mistake but a characteristic they have. This type of characteristic is something I do not condone and do not accept in friends.

Everyone thinks I’m such a hard ass…but I’m not. I’m a huge bloody marshmallow on the inside, I just hide it well. I feel so hurt and disappointed in them both and their actions. I know they didn’t do this to me, but they are not the people I thought they were. I feel heartbroken because I feel like I lost two friends, friends I dearly loved.

I will pull away slowly from them because I just can’t trust them anymore…I feel so unbelievably sad today.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Spiritual being, living a human life


I am a very spiritual being. Something only my family and close friends know. I believe that everything is connected, and that this connection is via energy. I believe in Karma. I believe in God and angels and spirits but not in the same way Christianity teaches us. I respect other religions and believe that one should not destroy other people’s believes. We are all free to believe in what makes us feel happy and comfortable.


I do a lot of soul searching during the day as I go about my business. I always try and better myself and be a better person towards others. Granted that isn’t always easy but I try because I believe what you put out into this world is what the world will give back. Sometimes I’ll look at something negative that happened to me and I’ll wonder what on earth I did to create this bad energy towards me, but then I realise that my soul chose this path and all the lessons I learn during this lifetime are lessons I chose to learn before I came down to earth.
 

I started seeing a psychologist in 2009. She is my Angel, and I’m very lucky that she turned out to be a very spiritual being herself. I always laugh at people who think spiritual people walk around in tie-dye clothing and act a certain way. That is such a misconstrued perception people have. I look at Angel, and she is just as corporate as I am. And like me she keeps her spiritual side not hidden, but not visible for the whole world to see. I believe your spiritual believes are personal and that your actions should show people who you are and not the words coming out of your mouth.  You don’t need to run around telling the whole world what your believes are, rather show them with how you treat others and deal with situations.

 

At first I didn’t know about Angel’s spiritual side but as our sessions progressed and I felt more comfortable with her I was able to open up about every single aspect of my life, and shared my believes with her. It was during this period (I think it was July 2010) that she told me about her believes and I’ve learnt a lot from her.


I now see her on a monthly basis. We had another session this morning and it always amases me how our sessions end up giving me more than I expected. I made a huge breakthrough today with regards to my past and how I handle certain situations. But to be able to discuss those realisations and the effect it had on me and will have on me going forward from a spiritual point of view as well and not just an emotional and mental view, is such a liberating feeling. We actually felt and energy shift in her office as we worked through this. By now I’m used to experiencing these things with her, but today’s energy shift was huge.

 

It’s difficult to explain this to people who haven’t been there. I actually felt dizzy sitting in the chair and when I got back to work I went and bought a chocolate. (Sugar helps ground you from an energy point of view). I was feeling extremely “distant” from my body and knew I had a huge day at the office ahead and had to be able to focus in this space and time.

 

I find it hard sometimes to balance between wanting to connect with the universal energy and having to stay grounded in this space to physically get through my day. For people who are not used to this or aware of these things, this will all sound very weird, and I make a point of not discussing these things with people every day.

 But I am able to feel and sense energy. I’m able to feel and sense other people’s emotions. I’ve had a lot of interesting experiences on a spiritual level, but I don’t like sharing it randomly. For me it’s private.
 

I just loved the fact that I could actually feel and sense the energy shift in my own personal space today. I know this will have big ramifications going forward (in a positive way), but today for me was big. I can’t wait to get home, put on my music and “meditate” within my own little space tonight and just absorb all that happened and everything I was able to resolve within myself today.