Change, truth and the darkness within

Some days you just have to stop, take a deep breath, and look back. Look back and see how far you have come. See and appreciate all the obstacles you have overcome to be able to stand where you stand right now. Focusing on the end goal, fighting for your dream is all good and well but sometimes it is also healthy to look back and see what you’ve had to do to get to your current space in this universe.

Today something someone said made me think of change…how much I’ve changed in the last two years, hell in the last 2 months. Change is good, but looking back makes me see all the changes I’ve made, especially in the last 8 years of my life. Never standing still, always evolving, changing, and adjusting so that I can grow. Grow not just as a human being, but also spiritually. I think people are so quick to forget that we are spiritual beings living a human life, and that our soul, our spirit needs nourishment.

People think I am dark and mysterious, when in fact it is just me acknowledging my soul. I acknowledge every essence of my being, good and bad, and I know that I need to understand my own nature to truly be comfortable in my own skin.

 
This is not easy, and it is a constant process. I will be very honest, I am more attracted to my dark than my good side. There was a time not so long ago where I allowed my dark side to run amok in my life, especially my personal life. I always keep my work life stable and fixed, I will never destroy that base because my work is my base on which I build a lot of things. But within my personal life I will admit, I allow the darkest corners of my soul to explore more and more. It scares me sometimes when I realise that what I thought was my limit before is no longer there…that I am capable of reaching beyond, always reaching beyond.

How do you explain this to someone else without scaring them?

I don’t know, I guess that is why I always keep myself distant emotionally from others…the fear of hurting them with my truth is very strong for me…I know who I am, but I fear it might be too much for the next person.

One day I hope there will be someone in my life who will show me that they are strong enough to see me. To truly see me and not feel frightened by what they see. I am not bad, I’m not evil, I’m just aware of who I am on every level of existence…