Life changes

I’ve had a very interesting last two weeks with regards to my spirituality. Angel and I keep on making one break through after another. I finally understand why I feel the way I do about myself and why I react and respond in a certain way towards certain situations. It is a very liberating experience, but it is by no means an easy path. People always assume that when you start working on yourself from a spiritual point of view the realisations and break throughs will be so easy. I personally think the break throughs are the more difficult parts of this process.

Facing your demons, your heart, your past and accepting what was done to you is not easy. The biggest lesson is to truly accept yourself for all that you are. This is easier said than done…trust me. But even though it is hard it is one of the most amasing experiences. Oddly enough I’ve seen a massive shift in my little 2-year old nephew this past Saturday. I’m very close with my niece and nephews but, Declin (2-year old) and I have never had that close loving relationship that I have with the others. Whenever I visit, he would refuse to get hugs or kisses from me. He would start crying every time I pick him up and it would take him literally hours before he would warm up to me and allow me anywhere near him. It made me feel horrible but I still love him and I still try every single time I see them.

This past Saturday was another family day, and as usual I was hoping to get some love from Declin, even if it was just a little bit. But he surprised me. He hugged me, kissed me, even fell asleep in my arms when nobody else could comfort him. He was so extremely affectionate and showed me so much love on Saturday. It was amasing. I believe he’s noticed/felt the shift in my spiritual space and is responding very positively towards it.

I know that I’m different. For the last 6 months I’ve felt this need to get married again, and have a family, have children. I’ve never really had this before in my life. I was happy to do the independent girl thing, until earlier this year. I even started thinking about being willing to sacrifice my career a little bit if it means I can have a family. This is a place I’ve never thought I would be…not being successful, not focusing on work is not something I’m used to. But here I am, thinking very differently about my life and what I want from it.

I only have one problem still, I struggle to show people that I care about them. There is a guy I really like and a couple of months ago he was very straight forward about his feelings, and all I did was shut down. I made a mistake and then in a very random way I saw him again on Friday night. I fear I pushed him away again…when in truth I don’t want to push him away. It’s like trying to break a bad habit and not knowing how to break it. If he is the right person for me, I hope life will give me another chance and that I will recognise that opportunity if it is presented to me.

I’m tired of hiding behind my walls…I want to show the world who I really am…and not fear pain and rejection again.