Life is by no means a breeze in the park. But it is still a beautiful and wonderful experience. Granted some things can be painful, destructive and just down right scary.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching the last year. A lot!!
I've been revaluating my decisions, my beliefs, my habits....just about everything. Actually no I lie, I do this all the time. I'm constantly doing this in my life...it's just who I am I guess.
Anyway...I digress.
The other night I was home, and a few things happened during the day that set me on this path of thought analysis as I got home. I started to look at my life and I realised I have a really good life.
My mom and I had a huge conversation about two weeks ago and for the first time in my life my mom was receptive to what I had to say. She actually listened to me and what was more amasing is that she actually took my advice. This is huge. My whole life I've always felt that I had to fight for my mother's attention. I always felt like the odd one out in our family (still feel like this). I have an older sister and a younger sister and my dad died when I was 12. So it's always just been us girls. But I always feel like an outsider, looking in with my family. I love my mom and sisters and they love me, but there have always been "something" that separated me from them. I still can't define it and I doubt this will ever change. But I've come to accept this and for the first time, a couple of weeks ago, my mother actually allowed me to express myself without rejecting me or what I had to say. She actually listened. I feel really good about this and I can even see the difference in my mother since then.
Work is going really well, dealing with some "office politics" at the moment but not stressed about that. The people involved are underestimating my abilities and my connections within the organisation. Therefore I'm not too stressed and I don't really need to do anything to resolve the situation. It will resolve itself in time.
The only thing I do miss in my life right now is a partner. Granted I have this horrible ability to push guys away when I feel they get too close, I do want to be happy with someone. I want to come home to someone at night. I want someone I can share my dreams and fears with. Someone to have silly, crazy, fun moments with. But also someone who I can sit and have deep intense discussions with. I miss that intellectual stimulation. Not that the guys I meet aren't intellectual people...they just don't show that side. They spend too much time trying to impress me with the amount of money they have or trying so hard to get me into bed that they forget that I need intellectual stimulation before I will go down that road with someone.
A friend asked me the other day what my dream date is...she went on about this expensive dinner blah, blah, blah. Which for her is great, but that's not me. My dream date would be to go and sit on top of a hill or wherever you get to see a beautiful sunset (or sunrise). Sit with a bottle of wine, enjoy the beauty of nature around you and talk the whole night until the sun comes up. Talk about serious things, laugh and joke and discuss random silly things. This is what I want...not money or importance or a guy constantly trying to put the moves on me. Someone who actually knows how to communicate with me...
One day I will find this ;) I just hope that one day is a lot closer than it feels right now.
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