Too hard

Just under a year ago I made a new female friend. She is fun, crazy but honest and true. She will not sugar coat anything and she will tell me if I’m wrong, one of the many reasons why I love her. Over the last year we have become very close and dare I say I see her as one of my best friends.

A week ago the two of us were out having drinks, and while we were out I was having a phone text chat with this guy I really like. At a certain point during the chat I got irritated and just ended the chat right there and then.  My friend looked at me and said: “Ali, you are very hard when it comes to guys”. (Ali is her nickname for me).

This comment has haunted me ever since then. I never thought of myself as being hard, I always thought I allowed guys too much. Over the years I’ve had my heart broken a few times and I’ve had guys treat me really shitty. That unfortunately is the reality. After a very bad experience with a guy a year ago I decided that I need to stop allowing men to treat me like this. I’m an average looking girl with a nice personality and I’m independent and capable of taking care of myself. I do not need to have a guy make me feel that I’m not good enough.

I then adopted this attitude that if a guy likes me and wants to be with me, he will show me that. He will show me that he wants to spend his time with me and will go out of his way to see me. Not make me feel that he only sees me when he doesn’t have anything better to do and make me feel that I’m not a priority in his life. If he wants to be with me he will, if I have to start fighting for his attention, then he is clearly not into me and then I move on.

I move on…it is that simple.

But now I’m starting to think that maybe she is right, maybe I shut down too quickly and cut guys off too quickly. But where the hell is the balance? Sigh…so now my mind is running around and analysing prior situations with guys and trying to figure out if I did the wrong thing by walking away when I did?

I don’t know…maybe I am too hard sometimes. It’s just really difficult for me to just trust someone with my feelings. I’m very guarded when it comes to my heart, not because I don’t feel anything. Trust me I have all those feelings, I just don’t voice it easily. I’ve had too many people in my life mess with my emotions/heart.

I wish I could sometimes shut my brain off….and just put everything away and look at life with a smile on my face and not feel all the stuff I feel.