Today or rather the last couple of days I find myself unable to express myself. I don't know what I feel. I feel lost inside my own head right now. I'm able to function and do what I need to do every day. I do what's expected of me. But everything feels distant...as if I'm trapped inside my own body staring at the world through tinted windows.
I can see the world, I can feel the world, but I'm not living within that world right now.
My soul is struggling in this space right now, it feels trapped.
I see exes moving on...getting engaged or getting ready to pop the question; moving in with the new girlfriend...
It makes me feel lost. I'm happy that they found happiness, but my own inability to move forward is slowly killing my soul. My inability to love without reserve or fear of pain is busy killing me. My heart aches for true love, but my mind has trapped my heart in this cage of fear. A cage built on the believe that I'm unlovable. That the monster I am inside can never truly be loved. All that I am is wrong deep down, inside.
I've seen too much, lived through too much. All that I've gone through makes me feel burdened with darkness...and within this darkness I am not lovable.
How do I allow someone to love me for me?
I fear all that I am will end up destroying my future and as much as I want to stop that from happening, do I really want to stop it? Or is there comfort in the known darkness, regardless of the price...
How do you hide from all that you are?
I'm not making sense today dear blog, it's one of those days. I'm just lost in my own mind right now. I have this often and I always get out of it eventually...but for now I will stay lost just a little bit longer. Because here, in this uncomfortable darkness I feel like me...
Tomorrow I will stare at the sun again and appreciate the glow and beauty of life, but for tonight I will dwell in the darkest corners of my mind...
People always talk about finding balance in life, they refer to ying and yang. But they always focus on the good stuff, they forget that in order to achieve true balance you need to allow your darkness to exist as well...
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